


Immortal Beloved

by VelveteenThestral



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-08-16
Updated: 2011-08-18
Packaged: 2017-10-22 16:21:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 33,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/240032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VelveteenThestral/pseuds/VelveteenThestral
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warning: underage. Mostly non-explicit.</p></blockquote>





	1. Prologue

"What's gotten into Snape? He's being almost nice!" Harry said as he watched Snape disappear through the door of 12 Grimmauld Place, likely heading back to Hogwarts, or wherever he stayed during the holidays. He hadn't said anything nasty when he'd seen Harry. He hadn't snapped at anyone during his visit, either, as far as Harry had seen. Something was wrong.

"Well, he's in love!" Tonks said, as if that explained everything.

Harry nearly choked on the butterbeer he'd just taken a sip of. "WHAT?!"

Tonks grinned. "It's the most romantic thing I've ever seen!"

"I must be hearing things. Did you just use the word 'romantic?' About SNAPE?"

"Of course! Don't you know?"

Why did girls always assume that boys could read their minds? "Know WHAT?"

Tonks flushed. "Oh. Er... uh... nothing!"

"Bollocks. Tell me!"

"I've just remembered, I've got to be somewhere!" Tonks stood up hastily, nearly knocking over her chair, and then tripping over her own feet in her hurry to get out the door before she said something that Rosier would make her regret. With a curse, she bolted from the room.

Harry headed up the stairs to the room he shared with Ron. He didn't even process the fact that Hermione was in the room with his best friend. "Ron, am I going mental? Tonks said Snape was in love."

Before Ron could respond, Hermione butted in. "Oh, honestly! Are you really that blind?"

Here they went again. Hermione was going to lecture them on why girls were superior to boys. Again. She seemed to be doing quite a lot of that lately. "Would you leave off telling me I'm stupid long enough to explain it to me, please?"

"How can you not have noticed? He's only had eyes for one person all term! Don't you see the looks they give each other?"

"Huh?"

Hermione's smug look got smugger. "The new librarian, Evan Rosier!"

Harry blinked, and Ron sat with his mouth hanging open.

"Oh, they're very careful not to let on, but you can just see it," Hermione said with a soft sigh.

Ron looked at her as if she'd gone mad. "You're telling me that our greasy git of a Potions master is in love... with another bloke... and you think that's _sweet_?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. Boys could be so stupid sometimes. "It's so romantic! Snape loved Rosier so much he found a way to bring him back from the dead!"

"I do not believe this," Ron grumbled. Harry, meanwhile, was still just blinking, unsure what to make of any of it.

Hermione sniffed and stuck her nose in the air. "Fine, don't believe it. But it's true." She got up and retreated to her room, an air of exasperation remaining in her wake.

Harry looked at Ron, who shrugged. "Dunno, mate," he said.

Harry sighed and leaned back on his bed to stare at the ceiling. Snape? In love? Impossible.

Wasn't it?


	2. Hogwarts Express

_Full. All older kids, who seemed to know each other. Full. All girls. More older kids. More girls. Full..._ Severus Snape walked through the Hogwarts Express, holding his satchel tightly against his side, looking for a place to sit. _There’s an empty place..._

“Mind if I sit here?”

“We’re saving this seat,” came the reply. Severus didn’t argue. He continued down the corridor.

 _Full. Older girls, forget it. Here..._

“Is this seat taken?”

“Nah. Come in,” one of the boys answered. Severus took the empty seat, a backwards-facing one, naturally; he hoped he wouldn’t be sick. “What’s your name?”

“Severus Snape.”

“I’m Wilkes. That’s Bulstrode, and the one whose robes you just sat on is Tradescant.”

“Sorry,” Severus said, hitching over.

“’S all right,” Tradescant said. “First year?”

“Yeah.”

“Me too.”

Severus acknowledged that with a grunt. He wished he could think of something to say, but nothing came to mind that wasn’t obvious or stupid. Wilkes and Bulstrode were engrossed in a conversation of their own; Quidditch, from the sound of it. He reached into his satchel and brought out his copy of _Wands and Weapons of the Goblin Wars_ , and settled down to read it.

The journey passed quietly, for the most part. Severus looked wistfully at the trolley when it came by, but didn’t get any sweets; his pocket money wasn’t going to take him very far through the term if he started spending it now. Nobody offered to share, but he hadn’t expected them to. Why should they? Not long after the trolley passed by, there were loud noises in the corridor.

"It's mine!"

"Fat lot of good that does if you can't catch it!"

A Chocolate Frog hopped into the compartment with a croak, a black-haired boy lunging after it, while a chubby, mousy-haired boy stood in the doorway and watched with an anxious expression.

"Almost got it, Pettigrew..." The frog hopped onto the edge of Severus' robes, and he reached down and caught it. The black-haired boy stood up and held out his hand. "Right. Thanks. Give it here, then." It was the same boy who'd told him that he was saving the empty seat, earlier. Severus' hand closed around the weakly struggling confection.

"I don't think so," he said.

"It's not yours!" the boy protested.

"It is now," Severus replied.

"Sucks to you, Black," Wilkes added. So Wilkes knew who he was, even though it looked like he was a first year too, from the lack of a house badge on his robes. Severus wondered if everyone at school would know each other already, except him and whatever Muggleborns came in. He tightened his grip.

"Fine," Black said sullenly. The chubby boy opened his mouth to protest, but Black cut him off. "You don't want it anyway, Pettigrew, not after he's got his greasy hands all over it."

Severus stood up. He wasn't going to start school letting people push him around. "I should make you eat it, for that," he snarled. He took a step forward. Black grabbed his wrist and twisted. Out of the corner of his eye, Severus noticed the chubby boy running away, but he concentrated on glaring at Black, gritting his teeth against the twisting.

"Just try it," Black taunted. "Who do you think you are, anyway?"

"My name's Severus Snape," Severus spat back. "You'll want to remember it." He was trying to force his hand forward to plaster the chocolate against Black's face, and the strength of Black's grip was making his eyes water. He dropped his other hand into the pocket of his robe for his wand.

"Ha! Severus? More like Snivellus... oooh, am I hurting its bony ickle wrist?" Wilkes laughed at that, making Severus furious. He drew his wand.

" _Vestimenti urticaria!_ " he shouted, and Black clawed at his robes, revealing a shirt that had become a net of stinging nettles, but for one sleeve which was still striped cloth. Bulstrode clapped his hands and grinned, and Severus felt a rush of pleasure, cut short by a cool, amused voice from the doorway.

"What's the trouble here?" The tall, blond boy had a prefect's badge on his robes, winking green and silver. Fat little Pettigrew stood beside him, too short of breath to offer explanations. "Sirius, _really_ , how _do_ you get yourself into these scrapes? _Finite incantatem_ ," he added, and Black's shirt returned to normal. "I think I'll just leave the nettlerash alone, as a reminder for you to behave yourself. Be grateful I don't intend to write to your mother instead. 'Dear Aunt Clarissa, I'm sorry to tell you...' No, just get back to your seat. _Now_ ," he added.

"Low blow, Malfoy," Wilkes said with approval, as Black and Pettigrew disappeared down the corridor.

"I prefer not to hand out detentions if I can avoid it," the blond boy agreed, before turning to Severus. "Although I'm afraid I won't be able to, in your case. Hexing other students is definitely against school rules. I'll have to speak to your Head of House, once you've been Sorted. For now... will you come with me for a moment? I'd like a word with you." Severus looked at him uncertainly. How much trouble was he in?

"Go on, Snape," Bulstrode said. "Malfoy doesn't bite unless you ask him _very_ nicely."

Wilkes grinned. "You should know, Bulstrode." Bulstrode laughed, and punched him on the arm. Malfoy just smiled, and extended his hand.

Severus held out his own, meaning to shake hands with Malfoy, but realized that he was still holding the squashed Chocolate Frog. " _Evanesco_ ," he muttered, and rubbed his hand down the side of his robes. Malfoy turned the extended hand into a gesture to usher him out the door, and Severus stepped past him and into the corridor. Malfoy led them to the end of the carriage, and out onto the platform coupling one car to the next.

"I'm sorry you've already had a run-in with my cousin Sirius," the blond boy said, his voice pitched to carry over the noise of the train, but sounding calm and easy even so. "I'm Lucius Malfoy. What was your name?"

"Severus Snape." He'd have to know it, to arrange the punishment, of course. At least he'd only said detention. Did they still cane people at Hogwarts? Mum hadn't been sure. They had in her day, but it wasn't the same Headmaster then. And could prefects hand those out? He hoped not.

"Pleased to meet you, Snape. That was an impressive hex you managed, I want you to know."

Was he _pleased_ , then? "It was supposed to be all his clothes. I didn't even get the whole shirt."

"Most new students wouldn't have got so much as the collar," Malfoy said. "I think you've got talent. And I hate to see that go to waste."

"What do you mean, go to waste?" Severus asked.

"So many people are afraid of practicing _any_ skills that might touch on the Dark Arts," Malfoy said. "So many useful techniques get neglected that way. I hope you've more ambition than that. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you Sorted Slytherin -- that's my House," he added. "I hope you do."

"My mum was a Ravenclaw," Severus offered shyly. "I hadn't thought about it much."

"You're obviously clever enough," Malfoy allowed. "In any case... I wanted you to know that there are people at Hogwarts who _do_ care about developing _all_ their abilities. It's all a matter of using proper discretion. If you're interested... I hope you'll feel free to come to me. No matter which House lays claim to you. And in spite of the detention. It's nothing personal. Part of discretion is having to look as if you play by the rules." He smiled, and held out his hand again. "No hard feelings?"

Severus shook Malfoy's hand, surprised and warmed by the praise and encouragement. "None."

"You'd best get back to your seat," Malfoy told him. "I'm sure I'll be seeing more of you later." And with that, he opened the door of the next carriage, and walked away.

 

 _There's nowhere to sit._

As Evan wandered from one car to the next, he was more and more convinced that there was not a single empty seat left on the Hogwarts Express. He was getting very tired of dragging his trunk around, and his owl, Athena, and her cage seemed to weigh about a ton by now. He was embarrassed by its newness, the perfection of the black leather and the shininess of the brass, the gold script initials newly painted. It had been the flashiest trunk in the shop, and his father had insisted that it was the only one that would do. His father always insisted on the biggest and brightest. Understated was not a concept that Marcus Rosier grasped.

He made his way into the fifth car in a row, and finally found a compartment that only contained a few people. They didn't seem to be too much older, either. It would have to do.

He slid open the door and went in, sitting down without so much as a by-your-leave and pulled out a book. The conversation stopped dead.

"Er – hello," one of the students said. "Are you new?"

"Have you seen me before?" Evan asked, covering nerves with nastiness.

There was a pause, then, "No..."

"I must be new, then, mustn't I?" Evan snapped, and went back to his book.

It was his usual defense. When in doubt, stick your nose in a book. It was safer. Books had never once hurt him, betrayed him, run off when he needed them. They were the only companions he could ever count on. Nurses and nannies and tutors all came and went. Books were always there.

The group returned to their conversation. They tried several times to engage Evan, but they got nowhere. Finally one of the boys snatched away Evan's book. "What're you reading?"

"Give it back," Evan hissed.

The boy stood up and held it over Evan's head. "Get it, if you want it."

 _Of course. When all else fails, hold things over my head. No one has ever thought of that before. "Look at the runt! If we hold it over his head, he can't get it!" If you think I'm going to start leaping about like a trained dog to try and snatch the thing from you, you're insane._

Evan pulled his wand out and cast a hex in the boy's direction. It didn't seem to do much except cause the boy to double over and drop the book. Evan scooped it up and calmly went back to reading.

"Just you wait!" the boy snarled. "My sister is a Prefect! Just you wait!"


	3. Sorting Hat

The Sorting Hat had finished its song, and one by one the first years were being called up to be Sorted. "Black, Sirius" had been one of the first, and a slim, pale-blonde girl at the Slytherin table had buried her face in her hands when the hat called out "Gryffindor!" for him, even as the Gryffindors clapped and cheered.

Severus stood in line, shifting from foot to foot as he looked over the tables. He wondered if it really made a difference where you were Sorted. He didn't feel particularly brave, or loyal, and he had no idea whether he'd stack up especially clever against the others. Clever in a Muggle primary school was one thing, clever among wizards something entirely different. He wanted to be clever, here where it mattered. He wanted to be good enough that nobody would ever be able to laugh at him.

The Deputy Headmaster, Professor Lackeymist, kept reading out the names, as one by one the hat called out "Ravenclaw!" or "Hufflepuff!" or "Slytherin!". Severus hated being so far down the alphabet. He wondered, not for the first time, if his real father had had a name closer to the beginning. Mum would never tell him anything about it. He'd learned not to ask.

They were getting closer to him. "Pettigrew, Peter" went into Gryffindor, and Severus stifled an undignified snort. Carrying tales to the prefects was a mark of courage? He didn't think so. "Potter, James" was another Gryffindor. Severus looked at his confident grin and his glossy new robes and hated him and everyone like him.

Professor Lackeymist cleared his throat. "Rosier, Evan."

A tiny dark-haired boy walked up to the stool and turned. As he sat, someone at the Hufflepuff table hissed. The sound was quickly stifled, but it was enough. The boy jammed the hat on to his head, scowling. A moment later, the word, "SLYTHERIN!" sounded through the hall.

He removed the hat and looked directly at the Hufflepuff table with a nasty, smug smile on his lips before going and taking his seat at the Slytherin table. Severus didn't blame him a bit.

"Snape, Severus."

He set his jaw and walked to the stool without looking at any of the tables. _Pretend they're not there. Pretend nobody's watching you._ He set the hat on his head.

"Another young Snape, eh?" the hat muttered. "You've got your mother's brains, you could be a Ravenclaw as easily... although didn't she turn out as reckless as a Gryffindor, after all?" _Oh, no. Not Gryffindor. Not seven years shut up with boys who hated him already. Please, no._ "You're no Gryffindor, that's certain. Clever, but... want to prove yourself, eh? Yes, I think so. SLYTHERIN!"

Severus breathed a sigh of relief. He slid off the stool, and walked over to the table where the Slytherins were clapping -- politely enough, he thought -- for him. Malfoy caught his eye and smiled, and Severus smiled back, pleased and proud that he'd taken notice. He took the seat next to Rosier, and waited for the feast.


	4. Fiddle About

It was during that quiet hour after dinner. Most of the Slytherins were in the common room, or the library, studying. Malfoy - _no, Lucius,_ Severus corrected himself, _he'd said to call him Lucius_ \- had invited Severus into the seventh years’ dormitory, to look at some more of his spellbooks. He remembered how Lucius had said that, even though he’d had to tell him off for hexing Black that first day, really he thought it showed talent, and would Severus like to learn some things they didn’t usually teach first years? Privately, he'd said. Just between the two of us.

 _Would I? Of course I would,_ Severus thought. _See how HE likes it when I can hit him with a taste of his own medicine. Make him think twice before he tries it again. Maybe I can even get him to leave Mum alone. She shouts, but she never hits back, never even a countercurse. “He’s got a temper,” she says. “It’s just his way.” But she cries. She doesn’t think I hear her, but I do._ Severus hadn't told Lucius about that. He'd just said yes.

The two boys sat right next to each other, on Lucius' bed, the book open between them. Lucius spoke the words, and Severus repeated them after him. He put his hand over the younger boy's, helping him to guide his wand.

"You're left-handed, so you'll have to be especially careful when you draw the figures," Lucius warned. "If you don't do them properly, the spell could reverse itself. Practice. Practice until you don’t think about it, until your body remembers on its own." Severus listened attentively, marveling at how warm and gentle Lucius' hand felt guiding his own. He wasn't pulling his arm into place. He only showed him.

Lucius left his hand on Severus's shoulder, when they went on to the next one. Severus leaned against him as he turned the pages, noticing that Lucius didn’t seem to mind. He tried to say the words exactly as Lucius had - _so low, and clear, and perfect,_ he thought. _Even if I were going to shout them, they would have to be as clear as he made them, or it wouldn’t work. Mum’s voice is like that, even when she shouts._

One of the other seventh year boys came in. "Bedtime stories for the ickle Firstie, Malfoy?"

"No," Lucius told him, with no sign of annoyance. Severus noticed, and schooled himself to a similar calm. "No, I’m tutoring him. This one will go far. I can tell."

"I reckon you can, Malfoy," the other boy said.

Lucius quirked an eyebrow at the other boy, and smiled at Severus. "Let’s not keep Parkinson awake any longer," he said. "He’s got Quidditch practice before breakfast. Come see me again tomorrow night."

"I will," Severus told him. Lucius squeezed his shoulder in return. _Almost a hug,_ Severus thought.

"Off you go," Lucius said. Severus stood up, and Lucius swatted him lightly on the behind. _Not a blow, just a swat,_ Severus thought to himself. _Like Quidditch players do after a match._ "See you tomorrow," he added. "Don’t hex anyone before then." He laughed. Parkinson did too. But they didn’t sound mean, Severus thought.

 _I think Lucius likes me._


	5. Detention

Evan glanced over at the other boy for what seemed like the millionth time in the past half-hour. Lanky hair flopped in front of the boy's eyes as he scrubbed a cauldron. Neither of them had said a word since their arrival in detention. They had simply worked in silence. Now Evan's arm ached from scrubbing. He sat back and opened his mouth to say something to him, then closed it again. He chewed on his lower lip. Finally he worked up the nerve to say something. "What're you here for?" he asked, his voice rather higher than he would have liked.

"Hexing Sirius Black's shirt into stinging nettles," Severus admitted, not without pride. "How about you?"

"Trying to hex some kid on the train... I think he was a third year. He stole my book. The hex didn’t work, but it knocked the wind out of him. Was my bad luck his sister's a prefect, though." Evan shrugged, looking embarrassed.

"What were you trying to do?" Severus said, interested.

"I was _trying_ to Petrify him," Evan admitted, his cheeks going redder. "It didn't work."

"I haven't got the knack of that one yet either," Severus said. "I wish I did. It'd be dead useful."

Evan nodded. "So Black tattled on you?"

"One of his friends – Pettigrew - ran straight to the Prefects' carriage. So I got told off, and a detention... but I think Malfoy thinks it was a good joke."

Evan seemed to shrink in on himself, and went back to scrubbing the cauldron.

"I wonder how we could practice Petrifying people without getting more detentions?" Severus mused. "I want to learn that more than I want to learn how to turn a mouse into a water goblet."

"We won't get to mice and water goblets for _ages_ ," Evan said, looking up again. "I swear. We've only been here a few days, and already I'm tired of waiting for everyone else to catch up!"

"I just want to do something interesting," Severus said. "Something useful."

"Like what?"

"I don't know," Severus said, kicking the cauldron he was working on. "Not History of Magic, that's for certain. I've learned more about the goblin wars on my own than the mad old ghost will ever get to. Herbology's all right, but what if you don't have a garden of your own? And Transfiguration is a giant waste of time. Potions, at least, now they're good for something once you've made them."

"Transfiguration might not be such a waste of time once we've gotten past turning matchsticks into needles..." Evan said, a bit doubtfully. "And Charms is all right, I guess... it might be useful. Defense Against the Dark Arts..." Evan shook his head. "Now _there's_ a waste of time."

"I could use it," Severus said darkly. "If it works."

"But what good is it knowing how to identify a hag? It's stupid. We should be learning about curses and hexes."

"Maybe we'll get to that soon," Severus said. "The sooner, the better."

Evan nodded, at a loss for what to say next.

Severus looked sideways at Evan, his hair hanging forward and half-hiding his face. "Maybe we shouldn't wait for them to catch up?" he offered.

Evan looked at him, a bit suspiciously. "What do you mean?" he asked. "We should teach ourselves?"

"Why not?" Severus asked.

Evan shrugged. "All right."

Severus looked at Evan with a shy smile. "Good," he said.

Evan looked a little startled, as if he'd never been smiled at before. After a moment, he managed a shaky one of his own. "I'm Evan, by the way," he said.

"I'm Severus. When should we practice? I want to be able to get Black a good one next time he calls me 'Snivellus.'"

"How about tomorrow, after classes? We'll have to find somewhere to do it... but there are so many rooms here. It probably won't be hard."

"I found a good one, the last time the stairs shifted on me. I'll show you tomorrow, yeah?"

"All right." This time Evan's smile was full-fledged, and it lit up his pale little face.

Severus smiled back, less shy now. "How many more of these bloody cauldrons do we have left to do?"

Evan looked over and counted. "Four."

"Bugger," Severus growled. "D'you think we can lift them under the gargoyle's mouth? It's got to be easier to rinse this muck out than scrub it."

"Don't suppose you know a scouring charm?" Evan asked hopefully.

"I could try," Severus said doubtfully. "D'you think they'll know we used it?"

"Well, they didn't say we _couldn't_ use magic..."

Severus grinned, and pulled his wand from his sleeve. "Scourgify!" The muck in the cauldron dislodged itself from the bottom, and swirled into a rapid vortex, rising from the cauldron and splattering itself liberally over Severus' robes and face. "Bloody HELL!"

Evan watched, wide-eyed... and then burst into giggles. "I'm... sorry!" he gasped in between gales of laughter. "It's... not... funny!"

Severus glared at Evan, then broke up laughing. "I don't suppose YOU'd like to try it, Mr. Clever Boots?"

"Why not?" Evan asked with a shrug. He pulled out his wand and aimed it at the cauldron. He cleared his throat, then said, "Scourgify." The contents of the cauldron sloshed a bit, but didn't do much else. "Scourgify!" Evan repeated. This time, they rose up like a tidal wave, and slopped into his lap, leaving the cauldron clean, but him very much not. Evan stared at his soaking robes in disgust.

"Now, if we could get the muck to splash on OTHER people, we might have something," Severus said. "Maybe it'd work better if we had the cauldrons tilted over the drain before we tried it?"

"Maybe." Evan didn't sound too confident about it, but he picked up the next cauldron and lugged it over to the sink. He lifted it up and tipped it, then pointed his wand inside and repeated the charm again. To his delight, it actually worked. The residue from the cauldron slid away down the drain. "I did it!" he said, looking at Severus excitedly. "It worked!"

"I should have remembered that bit," Severus said. "I'll get the last one." Once it was done, he stowed the cauldron on its rack. "Now what are we going to do about us?"

"Er..." Evan frowned at his robes. "Head back to the dorms and change, and put them in the laundry?"

"And hope Filch doesn't catch us dripping muck on the floors," Severus added. "Let's go, then."

Evan nodded, and they both headed back to the dorms, trying their best not to drip as they went.


	6. How Soon Is Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: underage. Mostly non-explicit.

“Severus.” Lucius’s silky voice murmured into his ear. “The water’s ready now.”

Then Lucius’ weight was off him, and he nearly fell. Carefully, gingerly, he relaxed his grip on the towel ring, and straightened up off the edge of the vanity, standing flat on the cold marble floor. Just as carefully, he went to the tub and eased into the hot water to sit beside Lucius, who slipped an arm around him.

Severus leaned his head against Lucius’ shoulder. Nobody would come in to disturb them; this was the Prefects’ bathroom, and it was a Hogsmeade weekend. Everyone with the password was still in the village. Lucius had been, earlier, but had come back so he could meet Severus here, alone.

The hot water was comforting, unwinding his aching legs. Lucius was tall, and the edge of the vanity had been just the right height for him; his hands had been clasped over Severus’, both of them holding on to the ring by the sink that held the face towel. Severus was still a little under five feet, and he’d been standing on tiptoe the whole time. He hadn’t noticed it then, but now his muscles complained. Lucius had added an oil that foamed and smelled of thyme to the bath; it stung where Malfoy’s cock had pressed into him, sending little shivers through him. It wasn’t an unbearable stinging, just something that kept the sensation alive. And oil of thyme was common in healing salves. It was probably doing him good.

Lucius had his eyes closed and his head tipped back, relaxing in the bath. Severus studied the line of his jaw, his cheekbone, his forehead; even flushed with sweat and steam, Lucius’ face looked like it had been sculpted from marble - pink marble now, instead of white. Severus thought he could look at it forever. “I love you,” he murmured.

Lucius’ eyes snapped open, and he raised his head. “What did you say?”

“I said, ‘I love you,’ Lucius,” Severus repeated, more tentatively.

Lucius’ hand flashed out of the water, trailing foam, and cuffed Severus across the mouth. Severus’ eyes widened in shock. It wasn’t a hard blow... Severus had had worse at home, more often than he cared to think about... but why?

“Never say that again,” Lucius explained. “I don’t want to hear you talk about love. Love doesn’t exist, Severus. It’s a fairy story. A lie.”

“But-“ Severus protested. Lucius cut him off.

“Listen to me, Severus,” he said. “Love is for girls. It’s a game they play, and try to get us to play by their rules. This isn’t about love. This is only about pleasure. No lies.”

“No lies?” Severus asked, bewildered.

“You enjoy this, don’t you? What we do?”

“Yes...” Severus answered hesitantly.

“And so do I. Do we really need any other reason to do it?” Lucius asked, his voice as seductive as the hand that slipped between Severus’ legs and began to tease his cock into hardness.

“No,” Severus whispered, as he felt the caress. His mind was too occupied with the sensation to let him form his thoughts into words, but they floated around his head all the same. _No, we don’t need any other reason... but I thought we had one. I thought I was special._

 _I thought you loved me._

He didn’t notice the tear that rolled down his face, and when they got out of the bath, he blotted it away, never knowing it had been there.


	7. Castle On A Cloud

Evan didn't notice when the Quidditch match ended. He was so intent on retrieving the plummeting Quaffle that he didn't hear the cheer that went up as the Gryffindor Seeker triumphantly held up the Snitch. He also didn't notice the Gryffindor player streaking through the air straight at him, heading for the celebratory group hug taking place in mid-air. Consequently, the player clipped him, and it was enough to send tiny 13-year-old Evan from his broom and plummeting to the ground 40 feet below.

Severus had never seen the point of Quidditch. Even if most people didn't get queasy the moment their brooms were more than ten feet off the ground, why would anyone willingly put themselves in the way of a Bludger? But Evan was good at the game, and Evan was his best friend, so Severus came to the matches to watch him. And since Severus was watching Evan instead of the Gryffindor catch, he spotted Evan's fall before most of the spectators. His shout came a second before the referee's whistle, and he was already running down the stands before most people realized what had happened.

Evan hit the ground heavily, and didn't move. Madam Hooch landed near him and hurried over, leaning over the boy looking worried. After a moment, he opened his eyes and groaned. She tsked at him and summoned a stretcher. "Straight to the Hospital Wing with you, young man," she said. "You'll be all right."

Severus trod on a great many toes and elbowed more than a few middles in his rush to the field, but he paid no attention to the insults that came his way. Even so, Evan had already been carried off by the time he made his way down. He planted himself in front of Madam Hooch, blocking her way. "Where's Rosier? He wasn't killed, was he?"

She smiled down at him. "Certainly not! He's being taken to the Hospital Wing. I think he might have given himself a concussion, poor boy, but he'll be just fine. Go on and follow him, if you want to see him. You might have to wait for Madam Pomfrey to be finished treating him before you can see him, though."

Relief spread over Severus' face. "Thanks," he said hastily, and set off at a run. His foot caught on the frayed hem of his too-long robes, though, and he stumbled, landing on his knees. He dusted himself off, and decided to go back to the dormitory first. He had a few Licorice Wands left from a package his mother had sent him. Evan could have those.

Before long, Severus was at the hospital wing clutching a waxed-paper bag, slightly crumpled from its stay beneath his mattress, tucked into the corner of the bed frame where the other boys wouldn't see it if they looked from underneath. He'd learned the hard way that no sweets were safe. Madam Pomfrey was bending over one of the iron-framed beds. Was that Evan?

It was. Madam Pomfrey was finishing up fussing over him, muttering to herself about reckless kids. His injuries were surprisingly few. Mostly he'd just had the wind knocked out of him. He'd broken a wrist, and had a mild concussion, but Madam Pomfrey could fix the wrist in a few minutes, and the concussion would be gone in a day or two. He was sitting up in a bed, looking groggy and somewhat unfocused.

"May I help you?" Madam Pomfrey asked, looking up at Severus.

Severus looked down. "I just came to see if Evan was all right," he said, half muttering. "Sorry."

"It's all right," she said. "He's right over there. Perhaps you might try talking some sense into your friend." With that, she bustled away.

Severus walked over to Evan's bedside, and just stood there for a moment, not knowing what to say without sounding stupid.

It took Evan a moment to focus on him, but when he did, his face split into a huge smile. "Severus!"

Severus grinned back. "You're going to get yourself killed one of these days."

 _If I'm lucky_ , he thought. "It'd be a good way to go," he said out loud. "She says I've got to stay overnight." He made a face.

"Lucky you, you won't have to listen to Avery snoring," Severus replied. He held out the bag. "I brought some Licorice Wands for you, if you want them."

Evan's eyes went wide, and his mouth formed an 'o' of surprise. "You... you don't have to..."

"It's one of the only good bits about being in hospital," Severus answered. "People bring you sweets. Didn't you know that?"

Evan shrugged. _I didn't expect anyone would bother._ "Thank you."

"'S'nothing," Severus said, putting the bag down on the nightstand. "There's a Hogsmeade weekend coming up; we can get some more then. If you haven't managed to kill yourself, that is. Stupid game."

"It's not stupid," Evan said. "It's exciting."

"I expect wrestling a dragon would be exciting, too," Severus grumbled. "I can do without that sort of excitement."

"You don't have to go to matches, if you hate it," Evan said softly. "It's no big thing."

"I'll be fine if you remember to look where you're bloody _going_ ," Severus said. "Who's going to help me in Arithmancy if you snuff it? I'll never make it."

"I'm not going to die on you," Evan said even more softly. "Don't worry."

"All right," Severus said. "I won't." He looked away, not knowing what to say next.

There was a long pause. Finally Evan sat up further and reached out to pluck at Severus' sleeve.

"What?"

"Will you do me a favor?"

"What is it?"

"There's something I need from the dorms," Evan said, swallowing hard. "It's... on my bed. Um... it's a... a stuffed thestral." He blushed scarlet.

"I've never seen it," Severus said doubtfully.

"Well of course you haven't," Evan said. "Why would you have? You can't see the thestrals, can you?"

"No... can you?"

Evan shook his head.

"And the stuffed toy works the same as the live ones? That's brilliant," Severus said, impressed.

Evan smiled. "He's right next to my pillow."

"Right, I'll get him, then," Severus said, and walked out.

Severus had been gone several minutes before Evan realized his error. Severus wouldn't be able to find Metus. He might think that Evan was playing a joke on him, or just sending him away. What if he didn't come back? By the time Severus returned, Evan had worked himself into quite a panic, although it didn't show anywhere but deep in his eyes, and in the way his fingers clenched in the sheets.

Back in the Slytherin third-years' dormitory, he became puzzled. There was no sign of a thestral next to Evan's pillow; when he lifted the pillow and felt beneath it, there was nothing there either. He was about to crouch down and look under the bed when he heard footsteps on the stairs outside, and hurried back to his own bedside to avoid looking as if he were snooping or stealing. He picked up a book at random and headed out as Avery walked in, mumbling a sound that would serve for both greeting and farewell.

He hurried back to the hospital wing. "I couldn't find your invisible thestral," he told Evan without prelude. "Maybe it fell under the bed or something. I couldn't stay to look. Avery came in."

"Oh," Evan said, trying to look nonchalant. "Probably. Maybe he got kicked to the foot of the bed or something." He shrugged and stared at the sheets.

"Sorry."

"Never mind," Evan said. "Thanks for looking, anyway."

"'S'all right," Severus said.

Conversation ground to a halt. Evan closed his eyes and let his head fall back against his pillow, unable to look at Severus anymore.

"Look, I should let you get some rest, right?"

Evan said nothing, only nodded.

"I'll come back tomorrow after breakfast, if you're still stuck in here?"

Evan opened his eyes, giving Severus a mildly surprised look. He opened his mouth to say something, but for a moment nothing came out. Finally he said, "Yeah, all right," but it was clear, even to Severus, that there were a lot of words behind it that weren't being said.

"See you, then."

"Later."

And Severus walked out of the hospital wing, leaving Evan on his own.

Evan tormented himself with thoughts of what an idiot he must seem like to Severus. Thirteen, and still sleeping with stuffed creatures.

 _He must think me a baby. A stupid, pathetic, weak little baby. It's bad enough I'm the youngest in our year, and he's one of the oldest. He's probably wondering why he ever became friends with me at all._

He hardly slept as his thoughts swirled round and round his head. He expected that Severus wouldn't return the next morning, even though he'd said he would. Evan was completely alone again, with only a stupid stuffed thestral for a friend.

With that thought, against his will, he drifted off to sleep, and dreams.

* * *

Evan poked his head into the nursery and was surprised to see a package, wrapped and tied with a bow, sitting in the center of the small round table where he had his lessons. He slipped through the door and into the room. He leaned on the edge of the table and peered at the package. "I wonder who it's for," he murmured, daring to reach out and touch the gleaming silver wrapping. His finger smudged it, and Evan's eyes went wide with alarm. "Oh no!" he whispered. He drew the present towards him with the lightest of touches, and used the sleeve of his robe to polish the marred surface.

As he did, he noticed a tag attached to the big blue blow. He turned it over to read the name scrawled on it. "To Evan," it read.

"For _me_?" he wondered aloud. "But... it's not my birthday, and it's not Christmas... why would anyone give me a gift _now_?" He continued to stare at the gift, his fingers itching to untie the bow and peel off the paper to reveal the treasure inside. "Well..." he reasoned, "it doesn't say I can't open it, does it?"

It took no more prompting than that thought before the ribbon had slid to the floor and the paper was lying in a crinkled sheet on the table with a white cardboard box in the middle. He lifted the lid and peeked inside. "Oh!" he gasped, and reached in to carefully extricate the gift inside. His hands came out empty.

"A toy thestral!" he exclaimed. "I've read about those! Only whose who've seen someone die can see them. Oh, it's lovely!" he gushed, though there was no one in the room to hear it. He hugged the creature to his chest and nuzzled the silky black fur on its stuffed skeleton. "I shall call it Metus. That's Latin. It means fear."

His eyes glowed as he examined his new toy, and he planted a kiss on its soft nose. "You shall be my dearest friend always," he whispered to the skeletal winged horse.

The door creaked open and his tutor looked in. "What are you doing?" he asked.

Ribbon, wrapping, box and toy all disappeared beneath the table. "Nothing, sir," he said quickly.

"Good. Let's begin."

"Yes sir," Evan said, and settled himself in for another dull lesson, all the while stroking the toy that wasn't there.

* * *

Evan picked at his breakfast the next morning, not really eating. If he delayed the end of the meal, he could delay the moment when he was forced to admit that Severus wasn't coming.

"They had bishop's bread with currants. I brought you a slice," Severus said.

Evan's head jerked up, and he stared at Severus, startled. " Oh. Thank you."

"So when are they letting you out of here?"

"Soon, I think."

Madam Pomfrey released him a few minutes later, telling him to come back if he developed a bad headache or dizziness. Evan nodded absently, his eyes on Severus. He'd come back. He wasn't alone after all.


	8. 3 Libras

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit.

"Dear Evan, how are you? I hope you're enjoying your holidays. Mother is putting together a weekend house party, the 15th, I think mostly as an excuse for Bellatrix and Rodolphus to have time to moon over each other. They're absolutely insufferable now that they've announced their engagement. In a perfectly stunning display of generosity, she's also said that I could invite some people from my year. I do hope you'll come -- we're also inviting your friend Severus. Hoping to hear from you soon. -- Narcissa Black."

Evan snorted. What strings had his mother had to pull to get him this invitation? He immediately pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill, and penned a note to Severus.

"Severus –- Did you get an invitation to the Blacks' house party? She said you were invited. You're not actually going, are you? –- Evan"

 

"Dear Severus, I hope you're enjoying your holidays. Mother has said that I can invite some friends to the house for the weekend of the 15th, and when I mentioned it to Lucius, he particularly asked me to invite you. I do hope you'll come. Let me know by the 10th? Yours, Bellatrix Black."

 

"Evan -- I got the invitation yesterday. I thought I might go, if Mum can convince that man that I'm not 'getting above myself,' as he so charmingly puts it. It'd be an improvement over hanging about here, wouldn't it? Did you get invited too? If you did, I definitely want to go. How about it? -- Severus"

Evan groaned. Severus wanted to go. If Severus went, Evan would have to as well. He wouldn't leave his friend at the mercy of those people.

"Severus –- Of course I got invited, I wouldn't have asked you if you had if I hadn't. I suppose if you want to go, then I'll go as well. I'll try to convince ~~Mum~~ Mother to let you come stay here for a bit after, yeah? If I go to the party, she just might let me. Let me know. –- Evan"

"Evan -- do you mean it? I'd love to visit with you afterwards. You know I'd invite you here, but 1) I know your mother would have a fit, and 2) I don't think you'd like it much here, anyway. The more time I get to spend away from this place, the better. And I'm sending this owl back NOW before he gets back from the pub. See you soon? -- Severus"

"Mother says you can stay for a few says after the party, if you'd like," Evan scribbled back. His mother had said no such thing, but he would convince her later. He wasn't stupid; he could guess what would happen when he – meaning Severus' stepfather – came back from the pub. He _would_ protect his best friend, no matter what his mother said. "I'll see you on the 15th. Come to my place first, and we can Floo over. –- Evan."

 

Evan was absolutely overjoyed to see Severus, which manifested as a quirky smile and a rather awkward moment as he moved to hug Severus, then thought better of it.

Severus returned a somewhat lopsided smile, acknowledging the intended hug without moving to accept it. Not for the first time, he wished that he could.

"We'd best Floo over, or we'll be late," Evan said, staring at the fireplace so that Severus couldn't see how red his cheeks were. _What an idiot_ , he chastised himself.

"Right," Severus agreed. "You first?"

Evan nodded and grabbed the pot of powder from the mantel. He took some and handed it to Severus. "We used to be so scrawny we both could've gone at once," he murmured, then disappeared into the flames, directing the Floo Network to take him to the Black grate.

 _We still could, if we stood close enough_ , Severus thought, eyeing the hearth. _Stop dreaming_ , he told himself sternly. Lucius was going to be there. That would have to do. He tossed the powder into the flames, and let himself be whirled to the Blacks' country house.

Evan was brushing the few bits of clinging ash from his clothes when Severus came through. "All right, we've been," he said. "Can we go now?" He forced a smile to turn it into a joke, although it really wasn't.

"Where to?" Severus responded, a flash of recklessness crossing his face, then fading. "Don't be a wanker. We just got here. We'd better go find Bellatrix, or Mrs. Black."

Evan shivered. "Bellatrix. She's _slightly_ less terrifying than Mrs. Black." He forced another smile and brushed away an imaginary speck of ash from his sweater. "Come on. I'd imagine they're in the garden."

Severus followed Evan outside. He left his suitcase by the fire, remembering his mother's admonition about how the Blacks' house-elves would take care of details like that, and the best thing to do was to act as if you weren't thinking about it. He hoped he could get through the weekend without looking like a complete idiot.

Evan wound his way through the airy rooms until he found the door that led out into the garden. He pushed it open and waited for Severus to join him before stepping through, blinking at the sudden brightness.

The first person to notice them was not Bellatrix, however, but Lucius Malfoy. "Severus!" he called. "And... Rosier. Come over here, then."

Evan stifled a groan, and squashed the urge to drag his feet as if walking to his own funeral. Instead, he plastered on his Society Mask, which was the one he used when he had to have tea with his mother's friends. It allowed him to look interested in what was being said while he plotted each and every one of their demises, constantly trying to outdo himself for most creative way to kill someone. "Malfoy," he said politely, inclining his head.

Lucius ignored him. He draped an arm over Severus' shoulders and turned to Bellatrix, who was leaning against Rodolphus and looking bored. "Bellatrix, look who's here. I think that's everyone now, isn't it?"

"So nice you could come," she drawled, hardly glancing at them.

Narcissa noticed what was going on and came over. "Hello, Evan, Severus," she said politely, with a polite incline of her head, before she dismissed them completely in favor of Lucius. "Lucius, we were _just_ getting a flamingo croquet game started," she cooed, taking his hand. "If you don't come now, the hedgehogs will all unroll themselves. Please?"

Severus' face showed an odd mixture of regret and relief as Lucius allowed himself to be dragged off to the game of flamingo croquet. Narcissa didn't bother to disguise her smugness; she gave the impression that, had she been only a year or two younger, she might have crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue at Severus as she walked away, holding Lucius' hand.

"Slag," Evan muttered once she was out of earshot.

Severus shot Evan a worried look, hoping that Bellatrix wouldn't take offense.

"She _is_ being a little obvious, isn't she?" Bellatrix said with a smile. "Why don't you go join them? I'm sure they could use a few more players."

"Won't you be playing?" Evan asked, his tone sickly sweet.

Bellatrix only looked at them lazily from behind her heavy-lidded eyes. "I think we'll sit this one out," she replied, speaking for herself and Rodolphus. "We might tag along to watch, though." A smile curved her lips, and Rodolphus smirked.

"Let's at least watch the game," Severus said. "If they don't need more players, we can always look to see who cheats the most with the hedgehogs."

Evan nodded and followed Severus in the direction Narcissa and Malfoy had gone, his step matched to his friend's as he walked perhaps just a fraction too close to him.

"Remind me why we came here, again?" Severus said quietly.

"You wanted to," Evan said, only just smothering the note of accusation from his voice. "You tell me."

"Now I remember," Severus said. "It's because my house is worse."

"You're staying with me for as long as my mother will let you, and as long as you can get away with being gone," Evan replied, his tone hushed but fierce. His hand twitched at his side. The back of it nearly brushed Severus' as they walked, and he longed to reach over and take his friend's hand, and knew that he couldn't. Not here, not now... not ever.

"If I stay out of your mother's way, we might be able to stretch it to the school term," Severus pointed out. "Nobody will miss me at home, that's for certain."

"I'm thinking of annexing the room next to mine and turning it into a private library," Evan said. "You could help with that. And I'll make my mother let you stay. For my birthday." Any other person would have smiled then, but Evan remained as somber as ever. Only his eyes showed his hope.

"You're a lifesaver," Severus said. His tone was light, refusing to acknowledge how close his words were to literal truth.

"I'll remind you of that when you're brassed off at me for making you build shelves without magic," Evan replied, deadpan.

"Is that a threat?" Severus responded. His attention, however, was diverted by the linen-draped picnic table beneath the beech tree at the edge of the lawn. "Look! Strawberries."

Evan nodded. "Want some?"

"It would be a sin to let them go to waste," Severus pronounced with exaggerated seriousness. "Especially with cream."

Evan went over to the table and picked up a small bowl, piling a few berries in it and spooning cream over them, and handed it to Severus before getting his own. He motioned with his head towards a spot in the shade where they could sit and watch. It was obvious, as they watched, that Narcissa was cheating, and that Lucius was letting her. After a few minutes, Evan zoned out, the strawberry poised at his mouth forgotten. He traced the tip of it over his lips distractedly.

Severus noticed the gesture, and forced himself to look away, biting his lip. Lucius caught his eye and favored him with a lazy smile.

Finally Evan snapped back to himself, and ate the berry.

"Bellatrix was right. She's _very_ obvious," Severus commented.

"I think she hopes to stake her claim early. It would be a good match in everyone's eyes."

"Malfoy doesn't seem to mind, either."

"She's pretty enough," Evan said with a shrug. "And politically, it would be fantastic."

Severus nodded.

"I think she'll manage to lure him to bed with her ere the weekend's out," Evan said dispassionately.

"If she hasn't already. Do you think?"

"She hasn't already. She wouldn't be trying so hard if she had. He'll put her in her place... flat on her back like she belongs."

Severus snorted.

"It's all women are good for, after all," Evan said, his tone hard and bitter.

"I wouldn't know," Severus said. "None of them are willing to be seen in my company. I’m sure this comes as a tremendous shock to you."

"It's no loss, certainly," Evan told him. "Would you want something like Narcissa drooling all over you?"

"What a revolting thought."

"Precisely. We'll leave such baseness to people like Malfoy." Evan looked at Severus out of the corner of his eye.

A moment later Narcissa put her hedgehog through the winning wicket, although it was clear to Evan and Severus that the hedgehog tiptoed rather than rolling.

Lucius swept her a bow, catching her hand in his. "You have defeated me," he said in an exaggerated tone. He pressed his lips to her hand, keeping his eyes locked to her as he did so. She fairly squirmed with pleasure.

Evan made a soft gagging noise that only Severus could hear.

Lucius went over to the table and got himself a bowl of berries, then dropped to the ground between the pair of younger boys. His hand came to rest on Severus' leg, just above the knee, casual, but not in any way accidental. He began to make small talk, acting as if nothing was at all strange about the picture, but his eyes, hot and possessive, told a different story. Severus tried to keep his own face blank, but Evan knew him too well. 'I hate this,' Severus' eyes told him, but they also said, 'I want this.'

Evan's stomach rolled, and he set aside his bowl, his appetite gone. "Do you ever find yourself missing Hogwarts, Lucius?" he asked, his tone light and conversational, and yet rife with significance.

Lucius surveyed Evan with a cool, amused look on his face. "Why ever would I?" he asked. "All those school rules, and my every action subject to the teachers' petty tyranny? I prefer to be my own master." He smiled at Evan, a lazy, predatory smile, never moving his hand from where it rested on Severus' leg.

"But don't you miss the companionship?" Evan asked, his eyes challenging Lucius.

"I won't deny the pleasure of spending time with old friends," Lucius answered. "But isn't this a more pleasant setting? No lessons. No lights out. We can do," he raised an eyebrow, "as we please."

Evan pursed his lips. "We are Slytherins, Lucius," he said softly. "We _always_ do as we please." The corners of his lips curled into the tiniest of smiles, and there was danger in that look.

"Then I expect this will be a most... _interesting_ weekend," Lucius purred. "Wouldn't you say so, Severus?"

Severus blinked twice, hard, before he found his voice. "Oh. Of course," he said, just short of stammering.

Evan shifted, 'accidentally' bringing himself closer to Severus. His shoulder pressed against his friend's, just for a moment, trying to provide him comfort and reassurance without a word. "We'll see," he said, but the fight had drained from his voice, returning it to its usual flat, dispassionate tone.

Lucius gave him a dismissive look as Narcissa came over. She wrapped herself around him and drew him away, tossing over her shoulder an invitation to the boys to play in the next game of croquet

Evan glanced at Severus and shrugged. "Want to?"

"Why not?" Severus responded, and stood up.

They went and played flamingo croquet, a game which Evan generally loathed, not so much because of the game itself, but because of the consequent cheating, stilted politeness and candy-coated venom.

The sun slid lower in the sky, and as the day darkened into dusk, they were called inside for tea. Afterwards they were treated to a display of fireworks which took them well into the night. The Blacks has clearly spared no expense on the entertainment for the party. Finally they all headed off to bed, directed to the guest rooms where their things had been deposited by the house elves.

 

Evan's mind raced a mile a minute, and he knew from experience that unless he could clear it somehow he would never get to sleep. He slid out of bed, thinking perhaps Severus was having similar difficulties, and they could talk for a while.

He slid his feet into his slippers and wrapped a robe around himself before creeping to his door and opening it a crack. He peered out into the hall to make sure that no one else was up and about... and saw Lucius Malfoy slipping silently into Severus' room and closing the door behind him.

 _What the hell was Malfoy doing in Severus' room in the middle of the night?_

Evan padded down the hall, silent as a shadow, and knelt down to peer through the keyhole. He took out his wand and tapped the lock, whispering a spell to magnify what he could see through the tiny opening. In doing so, he ran into another spell, and he did not press any further, for fear of disturbing the spell and alerting its caster. Instead, he just watched.

Severus looked surprised to see Malfoy, but only for a second. He sat up in bed and held out his arms, and Malfoy leaned down and kissed him. Severus turned his face up hungrily, but Malfoy was already untying the belt of his dressing gown, and guiding Severus’ hand to his groin. When Malfoy broke the kiss, Severus slid out of bed, sinking to his knees on the floor in front of Malfoy, who smiled, and let the dressing gown slip from his shoulders. His pale skin and paler hair glowed silver-blue in the dim moonlight from the window.

Evan looked away, not wanting to see... but he had to watch. He had to know. He forced himself to look again, dispassionately, with a clinical eye. And so he watched Severus take Malfoy's erection into his mouth, and so he watched Malfoy thrust into it, his fingers tangled in Severus' hair. And so he saw Malfoy spill himself between Severus' lips, and so he saw Severus swallow Malfoy's seed.

And then he couldn't watch anymore, because he had to run to be sick.

When he lifted his head from staring into the depths of the toilet, his hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat, and he was shaking. He pushed himself up and rinsed out his mouth, staring into the mirror at his deep green eyes and his pale, drawn face. He shook his head to break his own gaze, and slunk back to his bedroom.

He curled into his bed and pulled the covers up over his head. In the darkness, he tried to forget the images that were burned into his mind, but he couldn't. And worse than the images were the thoughts that accompanied, and the feelings... He was jealous. More than anything else, he was jealous of Malfoy... that it had been Malfoy who Severus had kissed, and Malfoy who Severus' lips had touched...

He squirmed, feeling his body react to the thoughts he could not keep away – the fantasies of what it would be like to have been in Malfoy's place. It wasn't the first time he'd had such thoughts... only never before had he thought there was any possibility that they could be anything but idle fantasies.

His hand slid down his belly and between his legs. His fingers slipped under the elastic of his pajama bottoms, and he wrapped them around his aching erection, tugging sharply, wishing he could make the thoughts stop, but they kept coming...

What were Malfoy and Severus doing now? Was Malfoy kneeling in front of Severus, taking him into that mouth that dripped poisoned honey words? Another wave of jealousy shot through Evan, alongside the tingles of pleasure. Were his hands sliding across Severus' skin? Were they kissing, and stroking each other? What would Severus' hand feel like, in place of Evan's own? What would his lips taste like? What would it be like to have Severus' body pressing him down into the sheets, hot on top of him, sweaty and flushed and smiling down at Evan. "Severus," Evan whispered, "please..."

Severus leaned down and kissed him, understanding, and...

Evan came, and reality crashed in on him. Severus wasn't there. Severus was in another room, with Malfoy. Severus had someone to give him pleasure, and he would never want someone as small and insignificant as Evan. If he knew... if he even dreamed that Evan thought of him that way... and touched himself while he thought of him... he would hate him. Severus would hate him.

Evan started to cry, his ragged breathing turning from pants to sobs. "Severus," he moaned into his pillow. "Oh Severus, please... please forgive me!" he sobbed, over and over until finally, drained, his sank into sleep.

 

Severus hadn’t been certain that Lucius would come to his room that night – not after the way Narcissa had been pursuing him. He hadn’t been certain, either, if he was looking forward to it or dreading it. It had been different in the days when he still believed that Lucius loved him... but, even now, with that illusion long destroyed, he still found himself wanting Lucius, just to feel his touch again.

When his door opened, that night, and Lucius stepped in, he felt his breath catch in his throat at the familiar sight. He opened his mouth to speak, but Lucius shook his head at him, and moved his hand in a curious gesture. An unnatural silence descended over the room.

Severus sat up in bed, and held out his arms, grateful for the silencing spell that kept him from saying anything foolish. Lucius leaned down and kissed him, and Severus turned his face up to it, hungry for warmth, hungry for touch... even without love, it was still the most welcome thing he’d ever felt. Lucius didn’t seem to be in the mood for long kisses tonight, though; he was already untying the belt of his dressing gown, and guiding Severus’ hand to his groin. Severus wrapped his hand around the familiar hardness, knowing what Lucius expected him to do. When he broke the kiss, Severus was ready, sliding out of the bed to kneel at Lucius’ feet. He didn’t bother removing his pajama pants; Lucius never liked him to touch himself while he was sucking him. He’d said before that he wanted all of Severus’ attention, then. And that was what Severus gave him; he closed his eyes and breathed in Lucius’ scent as he drew him into his mouth, running his tongue in practiced circles all up and down the length of it. He felt Lucius’ fingers wrap through his hair, and held himself still, braced for the thrusting that he knew would follow. He’d never liked it, but Lucius needed it, and he had learned to accustom himself to it. He thought wistfully of the sound of Lucius’ breathing, how it would get harsh and ragged as his pleasure grew; the silencing spell took some of the satisfaction out of it. He kept his hands by his sides, not touching himself, concentrating on keeping his teeth pulled back and matching his tongue to Lucius’ insistent movements, waiting his turn for his own pleasure.

Before long, it was over; Lucius clenched his fingers in Severus’ hair, and thrust once more, spilling warm and salty into his mouth. When his grip relaxed, Severus moved his head back, breathing carefully through his nose before he could swallow. Gently, he kissed the tip of Lucius’ cock, and looked up into his face, smiling just as gently, waiting for the touch he’d missed so fiercely since Lucius left school.

It didn’t come. Lucius smiled down at him, obviously pleased, but only reached out to stroke the side of his face and lay a finger across Severus’ lips before picking up his dressing gown from the floor where he’d let it slip. He belted it around him once more, and turned away. The quiet creak of the hinges as the door opened told Severus that the spell of silence was broken; the click of the latch as Lucius shut it behind him was the loneliest sound he’d ever heard.

Severus climbed back into bed, still aching, hating himself. Hating himself for not being important enough for Lucius to love him; hating himself even more for still wishing that he would. Nobody would ever love him. Even Evan, his best friend... Severus tried to stop his thoughts, but it was no use. His hand went to the drawstring of his pajama bottoms as he imagined Evan’s hand in the same place; Evan, his best friend, who would turn on him in horror if he had any idea what Severus was thinking right now. Evan, who was loyal to him; Evan, whose beautiful, maddening lips could be touching him, just as his had been touching Lucius... his hand moved faster and faster, as image after image of Evan’s face and body played in his mind. _Evan will never love you, never want this from you_ , he told himself, even as he hovered at the brink of release. _Never_ , he told himself savagely, even as, hating himself, he came.

Turning his face into his pillow, he waited, dry-eyed, for sleep.

Evan was up the next morning before anyone else, but he didn't make any move to leave his room. Let them come find him. He wasn't playing their games anymore.

Before long, there was a knock on his door. "Evan? You awake in there?" came Severus' voice.

 _Bloody hell. What do I do now? I don't want to see him... not after last night. Not after seeing him with Malfoy. I couldn't look him in the eye. But... he doesn't know that. And... am I really going to let Malfoy destroy my friendship? I can't. Without Severus, I'm alone here. And if he's actually trying to talk to me, then..._ There was a long pause, then Evan finally called back, "I'm awake."

"D'you want breakfast?"

"Not hungry." He wasn't. He felt sick to his stomach, and had since the scene he had witnessed the night before.

"Want me to fetch you some tea, then?"

"If you want."

"No trouble -- the house elves are still setting up. I'll just pinch some before everyone else comes down." Evan could hear the sound of Severus' footsteps as he went down the passage. Within ten minutes, there was another knock. "Evan? Got the tea," Severus called.

"Come in, then," Evan said, hating the fact that his anger at Severus had melted away so quickly. "It's not locked."

"My hands are full," Severus protested. "Open the door already."

Evan slid off his bed and opened the door for Severus, stepping aside to let him in. "You didn't have to do that," he said as Severus set down the tea and the plate of toast. "Honestly." He reached out to touch Severus' back, then pulled his hand away before he actually made contact. Severus didn't want to be touched. Not by him. And now Evan knew why. He wouldn't want to sully himself... Malfoy might not want him if he knew that a Rosier had laid hands on him, even in a friendly way.

"Maybe I wanted toast," Severus said. "Not everyone is capable of living on tea and sweets the way you seem to."

He didn't seem to notice Evan's near-touch, and handed over the teacup as if nothing unusual had happened.

Evan shrugged. "I'd stop eating altogether, if I could manage it. It's a waste of time." He took the cup of tea, careful not to touch Severus as he did so. He set down the saucer and cradled the cup in his hands, trying to warm them.

"Bitter marmalade," Severus pronounced, "is _never_ a waste of time." He set down his own cup -- he was drinking coffee -- and reached for the toast.

Evan sipped his tea in silence, curling into a chair that stood near the fireplace, which was unlit.

"Have you looked outside?" Severus asked. "Pissing down rain. At least we won't have to endure Narcissa cheating at flamingo again."

"I heard it," Evan said. "Didn't bother to look. I woke up freezing."

"You're always freezing," Severus said. "Watch, I've got the knack of doing this without a wand... I think. _Incendio_!" he declaimed, gesturing at the fire. A few sparks, and the paper in the grate began to smolder -- weakly, but enough to touch off one of the firelighters in the pile. "Not much, but it does the job," Severus explained.

"Bloody house elves should've done it," Evan muttered. He picked up a piece of buttered toast and proceeded to crumble it slowly back onto the plate, only eating a bite of it, perhaps two.

"If you'd seen the breakfast laid out, you'd know why they didn't," Severus explained. "There's enough food for a week. And if Mum's useless layabout caught sight of the silver chafing dishes? Sold down the pub in a heartbeat. Hogwarts isn't a patch on it."

"Stupid, really. Making all that food. Who'll eat it? The girls've got to watch their figures, haven't they? So they won't eat it. I suppose there's enough boys here who will." Evan shrugged again. If he was even aware that he was speaking, Severus would be surprised, so deep was his obvious distraction.

"Maybe the house elves eat it after?"

"Mmm." The piece of toast fell back on the plate half crumbled, and Evan set his teacup aside. He got up and went to the window, brushing aside the curtain to look out at the rain. It suited him. "We'll be forced into idiotic parlor games today," he said. "I hate Exploding Snap."

"Let's claim Wizard Chess before anyone else does," Severus suggested. "Then we can get out of anything worse."

"Did you bring your set? I don't trust the Black chessmen to listen."

Severus' face fell. "I didn't think to," he admitted. "We'll just have to out-argue the Red Queen, won't we?"

"You can use my set, if you'd like," Evan said. "I think they like you better anyway." He finally, for the first time that morning, looked Severus in the eye, and though he wasn't smiling, something warm flickered in his gaze.

"They just appreciate someone who looks ahead more than two moves," Severus declared loftily.

The spark of warmth in Evan's eyes flickered and died. "I beat you as often as not, Snape," he replied coldly.

"What's got into you?" Severus asked. "You beat me two times out of every three, more like. You were the one who said your chessmen liked me better -- I never thought they did."

Evan sighed, and let the anger drain away again. Truth told, he didn't _want_ to be angry with Severus. He loved him too much, even though any hope of ever being loved back had died. "I hate it here. I hate pretending to be someone I'm not."

"You pretending? Wait a minute, who's the one with the posh house, and who's the next thing to a Knockturn Alley guttersnipe here?"

Evan's hands clenched as he fought not to grab the nearest available object and hurl it at Severus' head. "I still have to pretend to like them, pretend to be polite, pretend to care about their silly, petty little lives, pretend to enjoy myself, pretend they don't all disgust me. Why do you think I like you? You're not like them; not at all. You're _real_. And I can be real, be myself, when I'm with you. You're such a clod sometimes, Severus. Those that matter won't care where you came from, only who you are. And who you are, to me, is my best friend. So shut up, won't you?"

"This is me, shutting up," Severus answered, abashed. He took another gulp of his coffee, suddenly unable to meet Evan's eyes.

Evan sat back down, swallowing all of the things he wanted to say. 'Those that love you don't care where you come from. If they do care, then they don't really love you.' 'Don't you understand what you mean to me?' 'Why didn't you tell me about Malfoy? Is that really what you want?' 'If you would just let me touch you, let me hold you, just for a moment...' 'How _could_ you?' He couldn't say any of them, so they just festered inside of him.

Severus, preoccupied with his own anxiety, remained unaware of the nature of what troubled his best friend. He noticed the tension, but put it down to his own awkwardness.

"We'd better go down to breakfast," Severus suggested. "I think it's expected. Even if we don't eat."


	9. In My Room

It was a dingy room on an upstairs floor of what had once been a wealthy wizard's town house, now broken up into bedsitters and flats and falling into decay. Severus took a sour pleasure in the knowledge that the former Snape town house, equally dilapidated, was in the next street. Judging from the faded paper on the walls - a mock tapestry pattern, where, every so often, a rabbit might hop jerkily from behind a clump of leaves, or a once-twittering bird give out a feeble chirp - this had been a sitting room, but none of the furniture remained. In an attempt to modernize, some misguided owner had blocked off the old flues and installed Charm-Wire Fires, now twenty years out of date and losing their strength. They'd been taken off the Floo network at the same time; the inconvenience was another reason for the cheap rents that made it possible for him to live here at all. Junior Potions-makers at Rubens Winikus weren't paid especially well, but he'd been one of the lucky ones; jobs for people just out of Hogwarts were few and far between in Wizarding Britain in 1978. And with work even scarcer in Muggle Britain, the competition was fiercer than usual, because the Mudbloods had nothing to fall back on. Without either top marks or good connections, or preferably both, you were out of luck. Evan Rosier had found a position as an archivist, but even he would still be living with his parents, just as most of their classmates who hadn't found jobs would be doing. Severus hadn't been willing to do that, even if this was the alternative.

The furniture he'd acquired was just as dilapidated as the room, if not more so. He'd blocked off the connecting door to the next room with an over-decorated oak wardrobe, its mirrored door fogged with age and half its brass fittings gone. His bed was an awkward three-quarters size; the mattress was in better condition than it might have been, since it had come from an elderly lady's hardly-used guest room, but it was impossible to find sheets to fit it any more. He'd bought flat sheets the next size up and charmed them to stay tucked in, resenting the necessity. There was allegedly a house-elf still on the premises, but Severus had had little evidence that the creature ever did any work, although the tins of condensed milk he left out each Friday night disappeared on schedule. The elf emptied the wastepaper bins, it seemed, and nothing more.

Apart from the bed and the wardrobe, Severus had set up a boxy armchair with mustard-colored chenille upholstery that had once been highly appreciated by someone's cat, to judge by its tattered condition, and a deal table with mismatched kitchen chairs. A cheap Kwik-Kettle sat on the table, with a mug, a bowl, and a packet of instant coffee next to it; his school cauldron sat pointlessly on the hearth in front of the weakly glowing wires. The makeshift shelves of bricks and boards that held his books also served to cover the flat paint on the lower halves of the walls, where the wainscoting had been torn out and sold.

It wasn't much; compared with the Malfoys' vast old pile, or the Rosiers' much newer, aggressively prosperous and comfortable suburban house, it was maddeningly squalid. In terms of space and amenities, it was even a step down from his mother's flat. There, at least, they'd had bedrooms and a kitchen, and a toilet and bath of their own, not a shared one at the end of the passage. It did, however, have one important advantage over his mother's flat: his mother didn't live there. Since she didn't, neither did that man.

And that, Severus reflected, was enough.


	10. See Me, Feel Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit.

_Nonchalant, Evan. Act nonchalant, like this is just an ordinary invitation, friend to friend. Pretend to be blind to what is happening, ignore the pain you know he's in, just be his friend, his good old mate, and ask him to come home with you for a drink. Just for a drink._

Evan caught Severus' sleeve after the meeting of the Death Eater's broke up. "Come to my place for a nightcap?" He peered at his friend through a curtain of hair, in a way that Severus knew he only did when he was nervous or embarrassed.

"I could use one," Severus agreed.

 _I fear you'll want two or three by the time I've had my say..._

"I Apparated in, so... we can either do that, or Floo back, if you'd rather." Severus hadn't seen Evan so awkward in ages. Evan silently cursed himself. You're supposed to be good with words, Rosier, he reminded himself snidely.

"I hate getting ashes on my cuffs," Severus said. "Apparate, I think."

"When _did_ you become so concerned with fashion, Monsieur Snape?" Evan asked, hiding a smile. "All right then. I'll see you there." He disappeared with a loud pop.

"What, don't you _like_ these clothes?" Severus asked, a moment later, when he appeared in the room.

"I was only joking," Evan said as he poured Severus a drink. He had set things up so that any time he Apparated home, he would appear in his personal library, and had then tampered with the house's wards until the same was true for Severus. The walls were lined with books on shelves Evan had built himself, with Severus' help, the summer between sixth and seventh year, and there were two rows of shelves down the middle. At the end near the fireplace, Evan had dragged in his favorite armchair, which he slept in as often as he slept in his bed. Behind it, in front of what used to be a door into the hallway until Evan had sealed it off, was a large, ornately carved desk, which was stacked with more books, and more scrolls of parchment than Severus could count.

Evan handed him the drink he had poured and gestured to the armchair. "Have a seat," he said, and waved his wand at the fireplace to bring the embers to life.

Severus sat down, and waited for Evan to pour himself a drink before tasting his own. He smiled, and lifted his glass slightly, enjoying the relief of not having to make small talk; one of the things he valued most about his friendship with Evan was his ability to be good company in silence.

Evan poured himself a drink and raised it in Severus' direction before tossing it back and staring broodingly into the fire. Severus could see that he was working himself up to something, and whatever it was, it was big.

 _For five years you've been a coward. Six. Seven. Since you set eyes on him, you've longed for him, and it was only as you grew older that you realized just what you were longing for. Now is the time to tell him, before Malfoy wins him over again. He's already begun. For a while, it looked like he was free and clear of him, but now he's moving in for the kill, and if you don't say something, it'll be all over. He needs someone as desperately as you do. It's now, or never. You know that there will not be a time in which he might actually hear your words and not toss you aside immediately again._

"Severus," he said finally, tearing his eyes away from the flickering flames, "there's something I need to tell you. But I need you to promise me that you'll hear me out, all the way to the end, before you say anything."

"I promise," he said. Evan knew these were not words Severus spoke casually.

Evan knelt in front of Severus, clenching his hands in his lap, and looked up at his friend. He didn’t say anything for a long moment, and when he did, his eyes were downcast. "I know that you know that you're very... important to me. You're my dearest friend, my intellectual equal, my... my better half." He let out a short, mirthless laugh.

Severus looked at Evan with bitter disbelief on his face.

 _Listen to me..._

"And... Severus..." He swallowed, and finally forced himself to meet Severus' eyes. "It tears me apart to see you hurting, day in and day out." Severus' face began to shut down. Evan had almost expected that; when had Severus ever talked about his pain? He kept talking anyway. "Others... they might not see it, but I know you. I know that... that something is not right, and that it's getting worse, not better, and... and I can't be sure what it is, but I can guess. I... I see the way you've been looking at Malfoy... like... like..." Evan shook his head as Severus' expression deepened into a scowl.

 _Hear me..._

"I don't know. I only know that it would kill me to see you go back to being his lapdog. Because..." There was a long, tense pause as Evan fought with himself. Severus could see the war going on behind his eyes. "Because I love you," he finally blurted out.

The scowl lifted, to be replaced with surprise.

 _Stop. Stop now. If you don't continue, if you just let him react to that, you can still salvage this. You can tell him that you love him as a friend only, as a dear, dear friend who you cannot stand to see suffer. You don't have to lose him completely._

 _Coward._

 _Gods help me._

 _Understand me..._

"And not in the way one loves one's best mate. I love you in a way that it hurts me when you hurt. I love you in way that makes you my first thought upon waking, and my last upon going to sleep, and that puts you constantly in the back of my mind. My heart aches thinking of you, and pounds when you're near, and... it's all I can do, sometimes, to not just... just..." He rose on his knees, and with hands trembling in both fear and with the strain of holding himself back, took Severus' face and kissed him with infinite tenderness.

It was over so quickly it could almost be explained away as a figment of the imagination, but the anguished look on Evan's face told Severus that that was most definitely not the case.

 _Love me..._

Severus didn't move at all when Evan kissed him, but the surprised look had become one of dawning wonder. "You... you love me?" he said, stunned.

"More than anything," Evan said, looking away in shame.

Severus caught his face and turned it back to him. "How long have you been keeping quiet about this?" he asked.

 _Don't hurt me!_

Evan's eyes went wide, and he swallowed hard, trying to restore moisture to his mouth. "S-Since third year," he stammered. "I'm sorry!"

Severus made a harsh sound that might have started out as a laugh. Evan flinched. "Sorry?" he said. "The only thing you should be sorry about is not telling me sooner!" His face looked as if it were about to crumble into pieces. He held out his arms.

Evan blinked at him, surprised. _What? What is he doing?_ He rose onto his knees and allowed himself to be drawn into Severus' embrace, timidly sliding his arms around his friend's torso.

Severus crushed Evan against him, not trusting himself to speak.

 _This can't be. This can't be happening. He is supposed to yell, to hex, to rip out your heart and stomp on it. He is your only friend, and this confession is supposed to cost you even that solace._

 _Is it possible?_

"You don't mind?" Evan asked, his voice muffled as his face pressed awkwardly into Severus' shoulder.

"Are you out of _your_ mind?" Severus countered, affection under the roughness in his voice. "Do you have any idea how long I've been trying to pretend I didn't want you, because I thought if I told you, you'd never speak to me again?"

Evan pulled away to stare at Severus. "Wanted me?"

"Please don't tell me you were envisioning a grand romance with only chaste kisses," Severus said.

"No, I..." Evan stopped short, his forehead furrowing. "Wait. What? What romance? What kisses? You don't mean...?"

"This," Severus said, and kissed Evan fiercely, wrapping his fingers in Evan's hair.

Evan made a soft sound of surprise, then returned the kiss, letting his restraint slip, and all of the pent-up longing flow into it.

Severus broke the kiss only when he was nearly out of air. "Any questions?"

"One," Evan said. _Do you love me? Or do you just... want me?_ "How long have you been keeping quiet about this?"

"Let me see," Severus said. "I'd have to say... since... second year."

"Then you're as guilty as I am!" Evan said, shoving him gently, then pulling him close again. "And I lied. I have another question." _I have a thousand, but one will suffice..._

"What?"

"Will you stay? With me? Tonight?"

"Evan," he said, now clearly teasing. "Did you really think that, after that sort of admission, and that sort of kiss, that I'd expect to go home alone tonight?"

Evan blushed. "I didn't mean..." He shook his head and hid his face against Severus' neck. _That's not why I told you this. I'm not Malfoy, I'm not in this for sex. I don't whisper sweet words simply to get in your trousers. I love you! If you never touched me, only loved me, I would be all right._

Severus held him close, one hand stroking Evan's hair. "Evan. My heart. I am still having trouble believing my good luck. Is that why I'm having so much trouble figuring out what you DO mean?"

Evan moved away again. "I don't think _I_ know what I mean, so how could you possibly figure it out?" He smiled and stood up, then deposited himself in Severus' lap and kissed him. "I thought you'd hate me."

Severus put his arms around his friend. "I may have to reconsider my opinion of us as intelligent people," he said. "You have just described my reason for never saying how I felt about you."

Evan shrugged. "I don't think it makes us unintelligent... only cautious. After all, it was made abundantly clear to me nearly every day that such things were frowned upon."

"And yet it went on," Severus countered. "Nearly every day. Or didn't you notice?"

"Notice what?"

"The sex, of course."

Evan shrugged. "I noticed. Everyone seemed to be having it except me." _Not for lack of girls trying, but they weren't you, and therefore, they got what everyone got: nothing at all._

"I wasn't exactly in demand myself," Severus reminded him. "So if you noticed the sex, you must have noticed how many boys were doing it with each other, besides whatever they were trying to do with the girls."

Evan shrugged again. "I guess. But what they did had nothing to do with me." _What they did and what they said were two entirely different things. But perhaps you somehow missed what they called me, day in and day out. I wouldn't hold it against you. You had your own problems._ "I didn't want to be in demand, anyway." _I only wanted you._

 _Can I tell him that? Can I tell him the reason that no one who tried got anywhere? He'll think I'm crazy. He'll certainly think I'm insane, obsessive. He'll run... But he has to know. He has to know how much he means to me. He has to know that he is the only one I have ever wanted; the only one I will ever want. He has to know._

"Because I resolved that I would not... give myself to anyone that I didn't love. And the only one I loved was you. Ergo..."

Severus kissed him on the forehead. "Oh, Evan," he said in a whisper. "I don't deserve you."

 _You don't deserve me? I don't deserve you. I'll never be good enough, never be special enough... I have nothing to give you but my eternal love and devotion. What is that compared to Malfoy's fame and fortune?_

His doubts didn't show as he looked at Severus, his eyes twinkling, and responded, deadpan, "Probably not. But you're stuck with me."

"Good," Severus replied.

"I love you," Evan whispered. "Truly."

"I love you," Severus murmured back.

 _He said it. He actually said the words. And... and I think he means them. Really means them, really loves me. I think my heart might explode._

Evan picked up one of Severus' hand and kissed the tip of each of his fingers, then placed it over his heart, which was pounding beneath his breastbone.

They sat for a moment, neither one ready to speak. Severus gathered his courage. "Evan?" he managed. "What do you want us to do?"

 _Do? What do you mean... oh! Oh god... oh no._

"I only want what I have always wanted," Evan replied. "I want you to be happy. I just want to be close to you. I don't... I don't know how to do this."

"So I gathered," Severus said, quietly. "That's all right." He kissed Evan again, very softly. "Just... tell me if I do anything you don't like."

"I don't think you could... unless you were to suddenly tell me that this is all some kind of sick joke." A flicker of worry flashed behind Evan's eyes. He closed them to hide it and shifted slightly in Severus' lap. He bowed his head to nuzzle the hollow behind Severus' ear, his cheeks burning as he realized just exactly what had been poking him in the thigh. _Just tell me what to do. Just show me. I'll follow your lead. I will always follow you._

"Never," Severus whispered, and tilted his head, enjoying the feel of Evan's lips on his neck. Gently, he stroked Evan's back.

Evan's lips slid down his neck, then back up and across his jaw, ever so slowly making their way back to Severus' lips, where they parted as their mouths seemed to melt together.

Severus gave himself over to the sheer pleasure of kissing Evan. He'd never done that before... just sat and kissed until they both lost track of time and the world around them. He slipped his hands under Evan's sweater, and untucked his shirt, wanting the touch of Evan's skin.

Evan gasped and squirmed against his touch. His hands went to Severus' buttons and began to unfasten them one by one. His fingers lingered on each inch of skin as it was revealed. _He's so pale. So pale, like marble... or vanilla ice cream..._ He bent his head to kiss the hollow of Severus' throat, and down his chest until it became too awkward to do so from where he was sitting. _But he doesn't taste like ice cream..._

Severus moaned, running his hands down Evan's sides to his waist. Clumsily, he pushed the sweater up over Evan's head.

Evan squirmed and wriggled until he had managed to free himself of the heavy wool garment. When he emerged, his hair was tousled and he was grinning. "If that's the most awkward moment we have, I'll consider us lucky," he said.

Severus kissed him. "Here's hoping," he said. "Lose the shirt."

"Make me," Evan said, raising an eyebrow.

Severus grinned. "If you insist," he said, kissing Evan again, hard, gripping the back of his head with one hand, using the other to undo the shirt buttons. Breaking the kiss, but not dropping his gaze from Evan's face, Severus moved his hand from Evan's head down to his left wrist, holding it still while he undid the cuff. His stare was intense as he switched hands to undo the other, then slid his hands to Evan's shoulders and pushed the shirt off.

Evan shivered, with both pleasure and cold, and took Severus' face between his hands to draw him into a kiss. His hands slid from his cheeks down to his shoulders, and he tugged off Severus' shirt, leaving it tangled around his wrists so that his hands were stuck there. He broke the kiss to grin wickedly.

Severus grinned right back. "So, now that you've got me trapped, what are you planning to do with me?" he teased.

Evan slid off of Severus' lap and knelt in front of him, and began to kiss a path down his chest. He slid his hands up Severus' thighs and to his hips. He breathed a gust of hot air against Severus' trousers, then slid himself back up to nip at Severus' throat.

Severus closed his eyes and moaned, completely incapable of speech.

Evan unfastened the button of Severus' trousers and pulled them open, then hesitated. _What are you doing? This is all happening too fast, and you don't know what you're doing, and you'll bungle it all, and he'll laugh at you._ He went back to kissing him, because that was easy, and he seemed to be getting it right.

Severus returned the kiss, moving his hands just far enough to rest them on Evan's hips, and pressed himself against Evan's body.

Evan moaned low in his throat as Severus' chest pressed into his, and the warmth of his skin overwhelmed him. He closed his eyes tight and clung to Severus with white-knuckled fingers.

Severus was pulled out of his haze of lust by an unexpected sensation of movement. Realizing what was happening, he tried to brace his feet, but found himself sliding off the chair and into an ungraceful heap on the library floor, Evan sprawled on top of him.

Evan's mouth formed an 'o' of surprise, before he started to giggle.

Severus tried to brace himself on his elbows, but found himself hampered by his sleeves. "Go ahead, laugh," he said, laughing himself.

Evan reached around and freed Severus' hands, then let his head fall against Severus' chest, listening to his heart and the way his laughter sounded from the inside.

Severus managed to brace himself so that his back rested against the chair, then wrapped his arms around Evan.

"I blame that one on you," Evan said, smiling and kissing Severus' chest. "I am an athlete. I could never do something so ungraceful."

Severus ruffled Evan's hair. "Shall we blame it on the chair cushion instead?"

"No! That chair would never betray me... oh wait." He traced the tip of his tongue over one of Severus' nipples. "I think it did it on purpose."

Severus drew in his breath sharply. "Oh?" was all he felt able to say.

"Well, we're in a much less awkward position now, aren't we? If less comfortable... although I had you to cushion my fall," Evan said sweetly.

"Any time you want to fall on me, go right ahead," Severus told him. "I won't mind a bit."

"Although..." Evan looked up at him innocently, "isn't the expression fall into _bed_?" _Pretend it’s a game, and it'll be all right_ , he told himself. _Pretend that it doesn't matter, that you're not scared senseless._

"What an excellent idea," Severus answered, a little breathlessly. "What are we waiting for?"

"I think for me to get up," Evan said, and suited action to word, then offered Severus a hand up.

Severus stood up, not letting go of Evan's hand, and followed him into the bedroom.

Evan hesitated at the edge of his bed, then sat down on it, looking up at Severus as if to ask, 'Now what?'

Severus sat down next to him, and slipped an arm around his waist. "I think we might be a little... overdressed," he suggested.

"Yeah?" Evan reached over and put his hand on Severus' knee. "I suppose we should do something about that?"

"Yes, we should," Severus answered. He reached for Evan's waist button, looking carefully at his face for his reaction.

Evan's cheeks flushed, but that wasn't the only area that blood rushed to. He slid a hand across Severus' waist, tugging down the waistband of his pants and running the pad of his thumb over the protruding bone of his hip.

Severus made a low whimper, and, placing his hands flat on Evan's thighs, slid off the bed to kneel at his feet. He ran his hands down Evan's legs until he came to his ankle boots, and unfastened them, tugging them off. Sighing, he rested his head on Evan's thigh.

Evan ran his fingers through Severus' hair and down his neck, stroking his skin with soft, gentle fingers, making him sigh again. Severus dropped a kiss on the inside of Evan's leg, then tugged at the waistband of his trousers.

Evan stood up and allowed them to be pulled off, blushing crimson as his arousal was revealed.

"Oh, you're beautiful," Severus breathed, before drawing Evan closer to him, and nuzzling his face against Evan's cock.

Evan squeaked in surprise, and his knees buckled. He caught himself on Severus' shoulders before he fell, and clung to him that way, with Severus' face in his groin and the redness of his cheeks spreading down his neck and out to his ears. Severus could feel him shaking. _Oh god_ , he thought, _how can he? It's so embarrassing... especially after he's been with Malfoy. I can't believe he's not laughing._

He moved forward, an awkward scooting motion on his knees, but one that had the effect he wanted, nudging Evan to sit back down on the bed. He paused for a single light kiss before tilting his head back to look at Evan's face. "Do you want me to stop?" he asked.

Evan made a tiny, strangled noise, and looked for a moment like a cornered animal, then shook his head slightly. He looked terrified, although it was unclear exactly what he was terrified of.

"Shhh," Severus told him, looking at him with tenderness shining in his eyes. He lowered his head, and took Evan into his mouth.

"Ah!" Evan gasped, his fingers digging even more sharply into Severus' shoulders as they clenched in surprise, shock, and pleasure. "W-What are you doing?"

Severus chuckled, producing an even more interesting range of sensations for Evan, before he moved his head away to answer. "Isn't it obvious?" he asked.

"But... what about you?" Evan asked, unclenching one hand and running the backs of his fingers down Severus' cheek.

"I can wait," Severus told him. "Let me do this for you, first."

"A... All right," Evan replied softly. "All right."

Severus' only answer was to begin again, gently sucking, and moving his tongue around the head of Evan's cock.

Evan, who had never felt anything like it, could only pant and try to keep himself from collapsing backward onto the bed. His knuckles were white where they gripped the bedspread and Severus' shoulder, and a stream of incoherent moans and sighs made it quite clear that Severus was doing very well.

Encouraged, Severus quickened the pace, and wrapped his hand firmly around the base of Evan's cock, adding short strokes to the movement of his mouth.

Evan swore softly in a language Severus didn't know. "Severus," he groaned as his hips jerked, seemingly of their own volition. Evan felt as if his body had developed a mind of its own, and that mind had taken over as his own had shut down, unable to keep hold of rational thought with the waves of pleasure that rolled through him.

Severus kept going, delighted with the reaction he was getting. It was wonderful to feel how Evan lost himself so completely under his touch. He slipped one hand beneath Evan's balls, lightly tickling the sensitive spot behind them.

Evan's hips jerked again, and he brought an arm up to his face, burying his face in the crook of his elbow to stifle the sounds he was making, which grew incrementally louder. His narrow chest swelled and collapsed as he gasped in air, and his eyes were squeezed tight shut. His nervous shaking had been replaced by an all-over tremble as his body was overwhelmed.

Severus moved his hand very quickly now, tilting his head just a little to breathe through his nose. He was determined not to move his mouth away until Evan was completely spent.

Before the building pleasure could reach its inevitable conclusion, Evan forced himself back into a place where he could think and reason and tried to push Severus away. "Severus..." he panted, "stop, or I'll... I'll..." He moaned softly as another spike of sensation shot through him.

Stopping, of course, was the last thing on Severus' mind. He shook his head from side to side, just a little, hoping it was enough to get the "I'm not stopping" message across to Evan in his current state.

"But..." Evan's protest died away as his body took over again. For just a second, he felt as if his entire body had gone numb, and the world had stopped, and then it all came crashing down. His hips jerked and his body spasmed as he spent himself into Severus' mouth and collapsed back onto the bed.

Severus quickly swallowed, resting his head against Evan's knees. Smiling dreamily, he reached down to unfasten his own boots, and slipped out of his trousers before cuddling next to Evan on the bed.

"Happy?" he asked.

It took a minute before Evan could gather himself to nod in response. "You?" he asked, his voice husky.

"It's a good start," Severus answered, sounding a little smug. He nuzzled his face into the crook of Evan's neck.

Evan sighed and wrapped himself around Severus. "Just give me a minute," he murmured. "Moving is very, very difficult right now." He smiled and kissed Severus' hair.

"No hurry," Severus whispered, even though he was aching with need, something Evan couldn't fail to notice as Severus pressed closer to him.

Evan lay heavily in his arms for another few minutes as he regained control of his muscles, then turned his head to kiss Severus, lightly at first, then more deeply. His tongue traced over the curve of Severus' lower lip as his arms encircled his torso, pulling him even closer, and slid one leg over Severus'.

Severus closed his eyes, returning the kisses with all his concentration, his hands resting on Evan's shoulder blades.

As he continued kissing Severus, Evan's hands slid up and down his back, and then lower, over his hips and thighs. One hand lingered on Severus' hip for a long time, and then slipped between their bodies and between Severus' legs. Evan timidly wrapped his hand around Severus' cock and stroked it with a feather-like touch, as if afraid he might break it.

Severus groaned.

Evan broke their kiss and lowered his head to kiss and suck on Severus' neck. He let go of Severus' cock and slid his hand lower, cupping his balls and fondling them carefully, one gentle fingertip caressing the spot behind them that Severus had used to such wonderfully detrimental effect.

Severus groaned again. "Tease," he whispered.

Evan nipped at Severus' neck. He pulled his hand away so that he stroked up and down Severus' length with only the faintest of touches. _If I go too fast, he'll be disappointed..._

"How long do you intend to drive me insane?" Severus croaked.

"As long as you let me," Evan whispered, and Severus was fairly certain that he wasn't answering the question in the sense it was asked. There was something too somber and earnest in Evan's tone. However, he also responded by wrapping his hand around Severus' cock again and running his thumb lightly over the tip.

"Oh, yes..." was all Severus was able to say.

Evan began to stroke up and down Severus' shaft, at first slowly and gently, then with a bit more force and speed. His breath came in hot bursts near Severus' ear, and he covered Severus' jaw and neck with soft, wet kisses.

Severus' breathing was just as ragged. "You won't break it," he managed to whisper. "Please."

Evan stopped for a moment, then took a firmer grip as he pushed himself up with his other arm. He rolled Severus over onto his back and propped himself on his elbow to look down at him. "No? Can you be sure?" he asked.

Severus re-focused his eyes, staring into Evan's face. "Let me... put it this way," he said breathlessly. "I am positive you won't break it by accident. I hope you don't plan to break it on purpose. Right?"

"I would never hurt you," Evan whispered, leaning down to kiss him. The kiss slid from his lips down to his neck, across his collarbones, and then down his chest and lower. Evan's tongue traced the curve of one hip, then the other, and after a second's hesitation, he took the tip of Severus' cock into his mouth.

Severus made another inarticulate groan, and gently stroked Evan's hair.

Evan's tongue swirled over Severus as he slowly slid his mouth lower, taking Severus in inch by inch, and stroking what wasn't in his mouth with a firm touch. His other hand rested on Severus' hip, gripping it as if for support or control. His head bobbed under Severus' hand as he let Severus' cock slip from his mouth, then sucked it back in again.

Severus whimpered. "Evan... love..." he breathed. "If you don't want... in your mouth... it's all right. But... _please..._ " he said, between gasps, "finish me. _Now_."

 _I should have known I would mess it up,_ Evan chastised himself. _This is idiocy. I can never be good enough for him. Not in this, not in anything. Especially when I'm stacked up against Lucius Malfoy._ All of the times he had been compared to Malfoy came back to him in a bitter rush as he sucked and stroked harder, faster, determined to salvage what he could of this, and hopefully please Severus at least a little bit.

Severus felt as if he would dissolve in sheer pleasure. With the last fragments of his self-control, he croaked, "Do you want me to move away? Last chance."

Evan didn't stop.

Every muscle in Severus' body tensed, and he shuddered as he came. His breath left him in a long, noiseless sigh. Gently, he traced one finger along the line of Evan's jaw.

Evan swallowed convulsively, gagging a little, but swallowed again before letting Severus' cock slide from his mouth. He nuzzled Severus' hand. His cheeks were wet.

Severus was still breathing heavily. Dimly, the wetness on Evan's face registered in his mind. He stroked Evan's cheek. "Crying?" he asked, concerned.

Evan shook his head, then nodded, then crawled up to curl around Severus and hugged him tightly. He hadn't known he was crying until Severus asked. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Severus hugged back, just as tightly. Since Evan's face was buried in his shoulder, he kissed the top of his head. "Why?" he said. "That was _wonderful_."

Evan said nothing for a long time. Finally he lifted his head and looked down at Severus. His eyes sparked with anger. "It wasn't good enough," he said, and kissed Severus fiercely, no longer trying to be gentle.

Severus cradled the back of Evan's head in his hands, accepting the kiss, but not matching Evan's ferocity. When Evan broke for air, he said, "What gave you THAT idea?"

"If I'd done it right, you wouldn't've had to tell me to finish it," Evan growled, and it became clear that his anger was all towards himself, and not towards Severus.

"Evan, you idiot," Severus said, his affection unmistakable. "That wasn't because you weren't good ENOUGH. That was because you were _so_ good," he hugged him tightly, "that I thought I was going to _die_ if I waited any longer to come. That's all."

 _Bollocks_ , Evan thought, but he let it go. He settled back down beside Severus in his narrow bed and sighed, nuzzling Severus' neck. "I'll do better next time anyway," he murmured.

"I have no doubt of that," Severus said, kissing Evan on his forehead, his temples, and his eyelids. "If that's how well you do, the first time you ever try it, your natural talent will be even more amazing with some practice. You. Are. Wonderful." The last three words were punctuated with kisses, the last one on the lips.

Evan smiled despite himself, and all of the anger melted away, leaving him soft and pliable in Severus' arms. "You are wonderful," he told him. " _This_ is wonderful. _N'est-ce pas_?"

"Yes," Severus answered, crushing Evan against him. He didn't bother to attempt an answer in French, since Evan's perfect accent always made him despise his own. He shivered. "It would be even more wonderful with the blankets over us, though," he suggested. "Wouldn't it?"

"Mmm," Evan agreed. He freed one arm and grabbed the rumpled pile of blankets from the foot of the bed, dragging it up and over them. "Oh..." He leaned over Severus and fumbled on the floor for his clothes. "Bloody hell." He flopped back and groaned. "I'll be right back."

"Mmmm," Severus answered, burrowing under the blankets. "Hurry back and get warm."

Evan slid out of bed with a sigh. "I've no doubt you'll warm me up," he said. He went back into the library and retrieved his wand, which had been dropped and forgotten in the earlier fumbling. He came back into the bedroom and made sure that all of his wards against anyone entering were intact, then put a silencing charm on the room so no sound would leak out. He stirred up the fire to take away bit of the chill, then slipped back into bed, laying down on top of Severus, rather than beside him, and grinned down at him.

Severus felt himself stirring again. He grinned back. "What next?" he asked, wrapping his arms around Evan.

"You're the expert," Evan teased. "Teach me, O Wise One." He felt a tingling in his groin in response to Severus' stirrings.

"'Wise One.' Wise _arse_ ," Severus said, goosing Evan to emphasize it. Then, in a more serious tone, he said, "Promise me something?"

"Anything."

"I want you to stop worrying about whether you're 'doing it right.' I don't want you to worry about _anything_. You're already doing better than I managed, the first time," Severus said, with a sound that wasn't quite a laugh. "I threw up."

"You _threw up_?" Evan asked incredulously.

"I did," he answered. "That's why I gave you the chance to let me move away. I didn't want that to happen to you."

Evan's mouth formed an 'o', and then he hugged Severus convulsively. "Oh, love," he breathed. "Oh... he's a _monster_!" Evan's eyes pricked with tears as he kissed Severus' cheeks and lips softly and repeatedly. _I'll make you forget everything that ever happened with Malfoy_ , he vowed silently. _How could he? How could he ever be so cruel to someone so wonderful?_

"Not such a monster," Severus said. "I just had no idea of what I was doing. I was embarrassed. I don't want you to be. I want," he said fiercely, "to make everything _perfect_."

Evan kissed him deeply. When he broke it, his eyes shone with tears. "Severus, you don't have to try to make it perfect. It already is. Because it's with you, and you love me. That's all I need. It's all I'll ever need."

"Funny," Severus said quietly. "That's how _I_ feel. About being with you."

Evan smiled down at Severus and stroked back a lock of his hair, tucking it behind his ear. "Then we both worry too much, don't we? From now on, I promise that I will just let things happen, and not worry about whether I am doing it right. All right?"

"All right," Severus echoed forcefully, and hugged Evan close. Evan hugged him back, and kissed his cheek.

Severus began running his fingers through Evan's hair. "So tell me," he murmured. "You must have thought about this. I know I thought about you, even though I tried not to. When you did... what did you imagine us doing? That ought to be a good place to start."

Evan flushed, and buried his face against Severus' neck. Most of his fantasies of himself and Severus had been superseded of late by nightmares of Severus and Lucius, and all of the things that Lucius would do to Severus, and of Severus' face while he did those things, and of both of them laughing at Evan as he stood passively by, rigid with lust, wishing that he was Severus, and Severus Lucius. He shook his head. "I can't tell you..." he mumbled.

"Yes, you can," Severus said. "I love you, remember? If you wanted me to do it to you... or with you, or for you... whatever 'it' is... then that's what I want. Even if you've come up with something I've never imagined... for you, I'll try it."

Severus could feel the heat rising from Evan's face. "You tell me what _you_ imagined first," he said, his voice still muffled. "Then I'll tell you."

"We've already done one set," Severus said, a hint of warm laughter in his voice. "Now you're making me admit that I also imagined you bent over the edge of a bed, and me with my hand wrapped around your cock while I shagged you senseless."

Evan winced inwardly at the crassness of Severus' word choice, and also at the complete lack of intimacy in the mental picture it conjured. He silently cursed Malfoy for making Severus think that that's what making love was supposed to be... not that Evan supposed Malfoy had ever "made love" in his life. Evan finally unburied his face, but kept his head resting on Severus' shoulder. He could hear Severus' heart thudding softly in his chest. "When I was younger, I only ever imagined us kissing. Just kissing... for hours." He laughed softly. "I scarcely knew there was anything else to do. Then, as I got older, I imagined... I imagined you touching me, stroking me... sucking me off... And... I imagined..." He kissed the underside of Severus' chin. "I imagined lying beneath you, kissing you and watching your face as you slid... into me... and... as you came inside of me."

"That... sounds wonderful," Severus breathed. "You won't object if I want to kiss every inch of you first, will you?"

Evan shook his head. "I won't object."

"Then I suggest we get started," Severus said, hoarsely. "Only... I don't want to have to stop part way through. Have you got some lotion? Or oil? Something? I want to make sure it's in reach."

Evan blushed again, just a little, and reached over to his nightstand. He pulled open a drawer and pulled out a small, unlabeled bottle. He set it on top of the nightstand and gave Severus a shy, embarrassed smile.

Severus glanced at it and nodded. "Good," he said. He wrapped his arms more tightly around Evan, and rolled onto his side, taking Evan with him. He took Evan's face in his hands, and kissed him on the eyelids. "You're so beautiful," he said. "Lie back. Let me kiss you."

Evan did as he was told, relaxing back onto the mattress and allowing Severus to take charge. His eyes remained closed, not wanting any distractions from the pure physical sensations of Severus' hands and lips on his skin.

Severus ran his hands down Evan's body, reveling in the feel of his skin. He cradled Evan's head in one hand as he kissed his face, over and over again, and then in a line down the jaw, behind his ear, and on to the neck. He sucked gently at the skin there, just at the point of Evan's pulse.

Evan turned his head to allow Severus better access, sighing contentedly as he did so. One of his hands came up to trace absently up and down Severus' side.

Severus moved lower, the sound of Evan sighing making him shiver even more than the gentle touch on his body. He licked the edge of Evan's collarbone, and kissed the hollow of his throat.

The sigh turned into a soft groan, and Evan's back arched slightly, pressing himself against Severus, his cock getting hard again.

Lower again, and Severus moved his arms to rest under Evan's back, as he took a nipple into his mouth and grazed it lightly with his teeth.

Evan's back arched again, more sharply this time, and his breath hissed in past his teeth. "Severus..." he moaned, his fingers digging into Severus' back.

More kisses, lower still; with the palm of his hand, Severus stroked Evan's flat stomach, feeling the way the muscles tensed and then relaxed again.

Evan was quite hard by now. His fingers tangled in Severus' hair as he slid lower. He tried to push away the thought that he ought to be doing something, that he had made Severus wait before, that this was somehow unfair. Would Severus do this if it wasn't what he wanted? He had promised not to worry about whether he was doing things right, but... it just didn't feel right, laying there while Severus kissed and caressed him and got nothing in return. "Severus?" he said, his voice cracking as his lover's fingers dragged over his skin and sent sparks of pleasure tingling through his skin.

"Mmm?" Severus answered, tracing his fingers along the outside of Evan's thighs, and kissing the point of his hip.

Evan shivered. "Is this... all right? I... I know I promised... not to worry... but... you're not... getting anything out of this..."

"Shhh," Severus answered. "I want to do this. I'm enjoying kissing you. And, Evan?" he said, lifting his head enough to look into Evan's face. "Hand me that bottle."

Evan reached up and fumbled around until he got hold of the bottle. He handed it to Severus and tried to relax and lay his worries to rest.

Severus opened the bottle and poured some of the slippery liquid into his hands. Still kissing lightly near the base of Evan's cock, he slid a hand beneath his lover, and traced the cleft of his buttocks with one finger.

Evan made a soft keening sound, and his fingers clenched in the sheets of the bed. "What...?" he moaned, but let the question slide away.

"What you wanted," Severus murmured. He placed a feather-light kiss on Evan's balls, and probed just a little deeper into the cleft with his finger. "If you still want it."

"I do," Evan whispered. "I want you."

Severus braced himself up, shifting onto his knees. He leaned forward and kissed Evan on the lips, slowly, insistently sliding his tongue into Evan's mouth as he carefully slipped a finger inside him.

 _What?!_ Evan's body tensed, defending itself against the invasion. Evan pulled his face away from Severus as his breath quickened. He gave Severus a confused, frightened look as he was penetrated. _Why... what... Severus?_

"I can stop now, if you want," Severus offered. "We could stroke each other off. If this is too much."

 _It's not too much. I can handle it. Because if I can't, you'll just go back to Malfoy, who is so much better at these things than I am._

Evan shook his head. "No... no. I don't want to stop. Just... tell me it's okay. Tell me you love me, and it's okay, and... and I'll forget how strange this all is, and I'll relax. You just startled me, is all... but I want this. I want you. I want to be yours. Completely."

"I love you," Severus said. "It's all right, and I love you, and it's all going to be okay." His eyes were shining as he looked into Evan's face. "Mine," he whispered. "Be mine." The words seemed to hang in the air between them, glowing and giving off heat. The finger slid back into Evan, waiting this time as his muscles tensed, moving deeper after they relaxed.

Evan groaned as Severus penetrated him again, and clutched at the back of his neck with one hand, kneading the muscles and gently tugging the hair without thinking. "Yes. Yes, Severus, yours. Always and entirely yours," he whispered, his tone becoming more strident as Severus' finger probed deeper inside him.

Severus, from where he was kneeling between Evan's legs, sank back onto his heels. With his right hand, he poured more lubricant from the bottle, spilling some onto the sheets as well as over his hand. Cautiously, he moved a second finger to join the first. "Stop me if I hurt you," he whispered. "I don't want to hurt you. I love you."

Evan took a deep breath and let it out slowly, relaxing his muscles as he did so. He felt himself stretch to accommodate Severus' fingers, and his cock jerked as they thrust gently into him. "Doesn't hurt," he panted, although it did. "Feels good." It did that, too, and if he just stayed relaxed, the pleasure overrode the pain. Mostly.

"Good," Severus echoed, and ran a lube-slickened hand over Evan's cock. His own was standing up, pressed nearly flat against his belly. "Do you think you're ready?"

 _No. But I'll do it anyway, to prove to you that I love you._ "Yes," Evan said. "I want you inside me." It wasn't a lie. He did want it, but he was scared, too. More scared than he'd ever been about anything, including actually telling Severus how he felt in the first place.

"All right," Severus said. More lube made its way onto the bedsheets. "Here, move your knees up..." Evan felt the tip of Severus' cock pressing up against him, as Severus spread him open with one hand. It slid inside, just a little... and Severus paused, waiting, feeling the grip of Evan's muscles, waiting for him to relax.

Evan's breath caught and his eyes squeezed shut as tears filled them. He forced himself to open them and look at Severus, who would never hurt him. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. _It's all right,_ he told himself. _It's all right. People wouldn't do this if it didn't stop hurting after a minute._ He took another deep breath and relaxed, bringing his knees up to Severus' hips. He continued to take slow, steady breaths to keep himself relaxed, and focused on his lover, rather than the fact that a cock was much larger than two fingers, and that this hurt, when he somehow hadn't expected it to. He reached out to Severus with shaking hands and pulled him down for a deep, probing kiss. "Now," he whispered against Severus' lips. "Kiss me, and do it now..." _Because if you don't, I'm going to actually think about this, and go coward on you._

"Now," Severus agreed, and kissed Evan deeply, moving into him until his whole length was sheathed. Holding still, he pulled his mouth away, and looked into Evan's face, amazed at the emotion that was filling him. "Love you," he whispered.

Evan stared up at him in absolute wonder, then hugged him convulsively. "Love you," he whispered back. "God, Severus..." The pain had stopped, replaced by a thousand new sensations, surprising and strange and wonderful.

"I'm going to move, now," Severus told him. "Brace yourself." And, with that, he began to thrust his hips, moving faster and faster inside Evan. His eyes closed.

Despite Severus' warning, there was no way for Evan to brace himself. He cried out sharply, and clung to Severus, wrapping his arms around his lower back. He moved his hips with Severus' thrusts, taking him in as deeply as he could. Bolts of pleasure shot up his spine and trickled back down again. In between gasps for air, he kissed Severus' throat and whispered his lover's name, over and over.

Severus worked his hand between their bodies, and wrapped it around Evan's cock, stroking it in a rhythm that matched his thrusts. His breath came in short gasps.

Evan's head tossed back and forth on the pillow, and his hair stuck to his forehead with sweat. "Severus, I... I'm..." His back arched, and he came, sticky whiteness spreading over his chest and Severus's hand.

Severus moved his hand away, and propped himself a little away from Evan's chest, as he felt the pulse of Evan's orgasm surround him. With a quiet groan, he felt his own follow.

Evan's breath came in soft, hitching sobs, and tears ran down his cheeks. He was too overwhelmed to say anything for a moment. Finally, he opened his eyes. They were so full of love they seemed to glow with it, and he gave Severus a heartachingly sweet smile. "Thank you," he whispered.

With a whimper, Severus withdrew from his lover's body, and shifted to lie beside him, wrapping Evan in his arms. "Thank _you_ ," he whispered back.

Evan tangled his limbs through Severus', keeping him as close as possible to try and soothe the pang of loss he'd felt as Severus had slid out of him. "You have no idea... I've never felt anything so... so perfect..."

"Mmmm," Severus answered. "I know." His breathing was slow and quiet now, but Evan could feel his heart still pounding.

Evan kissed him softly and curled himself into the curve of Severus' body, truly content for perhaps the first time in his life.

Severus wrapped himself more closely around Evan, his heart finally slowing to normal again. In the space of a few breaths, he drifted into sleep.

"Night, love," Evan whispered, and let himself drift away, too.

 

The next morning Evan woke up confused, unable to figure out why he was so entangled. Finally his bleary mind sorted out that he was being held, curled in Severus' arms, with his sleep-heavy limbs weighing down on Evan. His first thought was that he was dreaming, but he had just woken up. His second was that this was a fluke... that they had gotten very drunk the night before, and Severus had passed out in his bed, and Evan had curled up with him in a moment of drunken idiocy. But if that was true, his head would ache, and he would feel sick. But what other explanation was there? The truth, in that hazy early morning moment, seemed entirely impossible. He studied Severus' sleeping face for a long time, and finally kissed him softly, expecting that as soon as Severus woke, he would never get another chance.

Severus blinked, and opened his eyes. It took him a moment to focus on Evan; as soon as his eyes tracked, he smiled, a sleepy but unmistakably delighted smile. "Morning," he said. "Or is it?"

"It is," Evan replied. "A very good one."

"Mmm," Severus agreed, reaching up to stroke Evan's face. "I'd say so."

Evan turned his face to nuzzle and kiss Severus' fingers. "Then... I didn't dream it all?" he asked.

"No," Severus answered, rather smugly. He pulled Evan more closely to him.

Evan readjusted himself to fit more snugly against Severus' body, and kissed him shyly.

Severus let the kiss stay gentle, in no hurry to disturb the new experience of waking up to someone in his arms.

The kiss lingered for a long time, and when Evan broke it, it was only to gaze at Severus in wonder, and then to kiss him again.

Severus pressed close against his lover. Although he only moved to stroke his hand up and down Evan's back, his erection nudged against Evan's hip already.

Evan made a soft sound of surprise and shifted so that their hips pressed together, and his own erection brushed Severus'. He tangled his fingers in strands of Severus' hair as he embraced him. "I love you," he whispered.

"Love you too," Severus murmured back. "So wonderful."

Evan nuzzled Severus' neck and grinned, happier than he'd ever been.

Severus drew in his breath sharply, as Evan's gentle kiss seemed to ignite a line directly from his neck to his groin, and let it out in a low sigh.

Evan's fingers traced up and down Severus' spine, from the bump at the nape all the way down to his tailbone and up again, making Severus shiver. He buried his face in Evan's neck, kissing him.

Evan moaned softly and turned his head away to let Severus kiss his neck. One hand pressed into the small of Severus' back, drawing their groins together.

Severus pressed closer still, as if they could never be close enough for him. He ran his tongue over Evan's neck.

Evan whimpered and nipped at Severus' shoulder, stifling a cry against his skin.

Severus made an appreciative "mmm." "Ah, you like that," he murmured. He dipped his head and licked Evan's neck again.

Evan groaned. "Yes, I liked that," he hissed, and turned his head to do the same to Severus, tracing a path with the tip of his tongue from Severus' collarbone to the hollow behind his ear.

Severus' groan was almost identical.

"See?" Evan teased. He traced the curve of Severus' ear with his tongue. "Can't help it, can you?"

All he got was another inarticulate groan.

He grinned and kissed Severus deeply, gliding one hand down to Severus' thigh, tracing up and down its muscular length, then caressing the prominent bone of his hip.

Not breaking the kiss, Severus rolled slightly onto his back, inviting Evan's touch.

And Evan's touch is what he got. Hands slid over his legs and up to his stomach, over his chest and arms and to his face. Evan broke off their kisses to trace Severus' features with the tip of one finger, studying him intently as if he wanted to engrave his image in his memory. He then began to kiss a path down Severus' neck to his chest. His lips slid over his collarbone to his shoulders, and then down to one nipple, which he traced over with his tongue.

He relished the tiny noises Severus made as he licked and sucked each nipple in turn, then continued down his body, lavishing kisses on his abdomen and over his hips. He kissed a path down to his knee, and then back up the inside of Severus' thigh before planting a single light kiss on Severus' erection. He slid his body over Severus' and reached for the nightstand, and the small bottle that had been replaced there the night before. "I want you to know," he whispered as he settled back and poured some of the lubricant on his hand. "I want you to feel..." His finger traced the cleft of Severus' buttocks until he found his opening. The tip of his finger traced around it. "Do you want me to show you?"

"Oh, _yes_ ," Severus agreed fervently. "Yours."

Evan slid his finger into Severus slowly, allowing him time to relax and adjust so as not to hurt him. He took Severus' cock into his other hand and stroked it lightly.

Severus opened his eyes, looking directly into Evan's face, wanting Evan to see the pleasure he was bringing him.

Evan thrust gently with one finger, then added more lubricant to slide in another finger, just has Severus had done the night before, stroking him with a bit more force as he penetrated him.

"So good," Severus whispered hoarsely, never taking his eyes from Evan's face.

Evan smiled at him and whispered back, "It gets better." He withdrew his fingers and stretched himself out on top of Severus. He kissed him deeply and shifted his hips. Severus could feel Evan's erection prodding at him, and then, with a push of Evan's hips, it began to slide into him, slowly, inch by inch. Evan's eyes closed as he felt himself being taken in by the heat of Severus' body.

Severus arched his back, pressing his hips up, responding to Evan with a soft moan. He kissed Evan on the eyelids, and stroked his back.

Evan's eyes opened, and he looked down at Severus in wonder as he found himself fully inside of his lover. He swallowed hard, his mind reeling, and then moved his hips, just a little, experimentally. "Severus," he whispered as he did so. "Severus, I love you."

"Evan," Severus whispered back, as if tasting the name. "Love you, Evan."

Evan began to move his hips, thrusting into Severus with increasing speed and force as his desire overrode his fear that he might be hurting his lover. His fingers dug into Severus' skin and he held him, and wished that this nearness, this oneness, would never end, although he knew that it would, and all too soon.

Severus clung tightly to Evan, his own eyes closing. It was something he hadn't even thought of before last night... that it was even possible to do this face-to-face. Now it seemed that this was the best, the only way possible. "Love you," he whispered.

"Love you," Evan whispered back as one hand slid between their bodies to take hold of Severus again, and stroked him in time with his thrusts, his fingers soft but his touch not nearly as gentle as it had been, no longer teasing but demanding.

Severus began to gasp, all thought abandoned. His back arched, and Evan could feel Severus' muscles clench and pulse around him, as the warm, sticky wetness spilled over his hand.

With one final, deep thrust, Evan spent himself into Severus and collapsed limply on top of him, heedless of the fact that he was getting sticky. What did it matter? He had just made love to the only person he had ever desired, who loved him back. What else could possibly matter? He withdrew from Severus with a soft whimper and curled against him, kissing his eyelids and cheeks and lips softly.

Severus tangled his fingers in Evan's hair, returning the kisses with his own. "Yours," he whispered.

"Mine," Evan affirmed, then kissed Severus' earlobe and murmured, "Yours."

Severus wrapped his arms more comfortably around Evan, making a contented noise in his throat. He didn't feel capable of speech.

Evan curled his bony frame against Severus'. "Yours," he repeated, more softly than before. "Always."

"Always," Severus echoed, giving Evan a possessive little squeeze.

Evan looked blissful as he rolled over to spoon himself against Severus, taking hold of one of his hands and kissing it before letting himself drift back into the first pleasant dreams he'd had in a very, very long time.


	11. Pictures of You

The Wizarding streets and alleys of London always took on an extra air of magic around Christmastime. Shop windows were hung with garlands of evergreen, twinkling with the glow of frost-fairies, and the scents of mulled mead and hot chestnuts from the street vendors filled the air.

Evan scowled at the decorations, and all of the people bustling about, full of holiday cheer. He hated the holidays. And this year he hated them even more than usual, because they were fast approaching, and he had absolutely no idea what to get Severus... he only knew that whatever it was, it had to be perfect.

Bundled into a heavy woolen robe and two scarves, Severus walked towards Diagon Alley, smiling. He was meeting Evan after work, and the prospect made his entire dull day spent extracting murtlap seem to evaporate like so much steam over a cauldron. And Christmas was fast approaching. He'd never liked the holidays, but the prospect of celebrating them with Evan made all the difference.

Evan waited outside the door of the pub, scanning the streets for Severus. When he saw him, his eyes lit up, and his heart seemed to skip a beat. No matter how foul a mood he was in, seeing Severus made everything all right, at least for a little while. He blew on his fingers, trying to warm them. He had forgotten his gloves again. He suspected he'd left them at Severus' place.

Severus reached the doorway, and had to restrain himself from wrapping Evan in a giant hug. _Not in public_ , he reminded himself. He contented himself with clapping Evan on the shoulder. "Why are you waiting out here?" he said, his breath making white puffs in the air. "You'll freeze. Let's go inside."

Evan nodded and followed Severus in, allowing his hand to slide across Severus' back as he reached out to hold the door. Once they were inside and had taken off their heavy cloaks, Evan pulled out Severus' chair for him.

"You getting the drinks, then?" Severus asked, hanging both their cloaks on the wall pegs before dropping into the chair. "Something hot," he added.

Evan nodded. "Mulled cider?"

"Just the thing," Severus agreed.

"Be right back." Evan went over to the bar to order their drinks. When he returned, his cheeks were flushed, and he looked like he might hex the next person who so much as looked at him funny. He set down Severus' mug in front of him and dropped into his chair. "Some people..." he growled.

"Oh?" Severus quirked an eyebrow.

"Would you believe that the woman behind the bar had the audacity to ask me if my _parents_ knew what I was ordering?" Evan shot a very nasty look in the direction of the bar. "Honestly!"

"It's your boyish good looks," Severus said, deadpan. Then he couldn't help it any more, and he grinned.

Evan tried to scowl at him, but it was no use. He smiled back. "Bloody hell," he muttered, and sipped his cider. After a moment he looked out towards the street and sighed. "I haven't got the foggiest idea what to get for Mother and Father for Christmas," he muttered. "What do you suppose is the thing this year that anyone who is anyone has?"

"Do I look like someone who would know?" Severus asked. "Never fear, as soon as we walk up to a counter, the shopgirls are bound to tell us exactly that. That's their job, after all." He reached behind him, into a pocket of his cloak. "You might need these," he said, laying a pair of gloves on the table between them.

Evan smiled wryly. " _Danke, liebchen,_ " he murmured, keeping his voice low enough that even if there was anyone in the crowd who spoke German, they weren't likely to pick up what he had said. "I suppose we should get this over with, yeah?"

"The longer we wait, the worse it will be," Severus agreed. He took a last swallow of his cider, and stood up. Taking both cloaks off the pegs, he held Evan's out to him.

Evan took it and settled it around his shoulders, fastening it below his chin. "Off we go, then," he said, and steeled himself against the cold as he pushed open the door.

They spent the next hour or so wandering in and out of shops. After the first few, Evan grew rather irritated with the shop girls batting their eyelashes at him and showing him this way and that. By the fifth or sixth shop, he could barely contain his temper. Finally he remembered his father rambling to him about how he had gotten himself and Evan's mother season tickets to the Théâtre Magique for Christmas, because it was the place to go to see and be seen. Evan picked out a matching scarf and glove set for his father, figuring that if he didn't help make the man presentable, Marcus Rosier would become even more of a laughingstock than he already was. For his mother he got a jeweled necklace that was charmed to match absolutely any outfit. He clutched the parcels in white-knuckled hands. "Are we done?" he asked grumpily.

"I think so," Severus answered. "This is all I need." He patted the box under his arm that held a china teapot with a Warming Charm painted on the glaze. "Do you want to eat something?"

"Suppose we'd better," Evan replied. "Unless there's anything to eat at your place?"

"Not unless you want Pot Noodles," Severus said, just a little too poker-faced.

"You're going to waste away, eating those all the time," Evan said. "Come on. Let's go have something nice and warm. My treat."

"You bought the drinks," Severus reminded him. "I'll buy dinner."

"Fine. Then I'll buy you groceries, so you've got something other than Pot Noodles to eat at home." Evan lifted his chin, getting that stubborn look on his face that Severus knew so well. It was useless to argue with Evan when he got like that.

"Get something you like, then," Severus told him. "You know I don't cook for myself. After eight hours over a cauldron, would you be wild to come home and _cook_?"

Evan scowled. "You've got a bloody house elf, make him bloody do it."

"I'm lucky if I can get him to empty the bins," Severus said. "He stayed with the house when they broke it up into flats, but he doesn't have much heart for his work with the family gone. I'd put out a shirt for him, but it wouldn't do any good; he belongs to the property managers now."

"Come to my house, then, and I'll feed you. For gods sakes, you cannot live on fish and chips."

"Tonight, or all the time? Your mother would be so thrilled."

"We don't have to see her. We can Apparate into my rooms, and I'll have food brought to us." Evan finally realized where they were and sighed. "Come on. What do you want to eat?"

Severus leaned his head down and whispered in Evan's ear. "You."

Evan pushed him away. "Sod off," he said, not looking at Severus so that he couldn't see he was fighting back a smile. "What do you want for supper, then, you wanker?"

"Anything," Severus said cheerfully. "Look!" He pointed. "A photo booth. Let's get out of the wind."

"We could get out of the wind if we found someplace to eat!" Evan pointed out, but he followed Severus, wishing he could take his hand. "You know that people probably do in here?" he asked as he slipped into the booth.

"Maybe in the summer," Severus answered, dropping five Sickles into the slot. He slipped an arm around Evan, and faced the lens.

"You're not actually—" Evan shook his head. "You're mad," he said, smiling fondly at Severus.

The camera flashed. "It does four," Severus said. "Get ready." He scowled a vicious scowl, and thrust two fingers into the air in front of him.

Evan grinned wickedly at the camera and extended his middle finger. It flashed again. He then wrapped his arms around Severus and kissed his cheek, his eyes half-closed.

The camera recorded Severus' comical expression of surprise at the kiss. Taking advantage of the moment, he turned his face and kissed Evan on the lips, crushing him close. The camera flashed a final time, and the booth's machinery began to whir.

Evan hardly seemed to notice the flash, or the subsequent whirring. He was too caught up in kissing Severus, which he had wanted to do since he'd spotted him on the street earlier.

Severus only broke the kiss when he noticed the multicolored blinking of the "pictures ready" light through his closed eyelids. He reached down and took the strip from its slot, and presented it to Evan. "For you," he said. "Now, where am I taking you to dinner?"

Evan looked down at the strip of pictures, and stared at them for a long time. When he looked back at Severus, his eyes were bright with tears. "Anywhere you like," he whispered, "as long as you take me home with you after."

Severus' only answer was to kiss him again. "The Tree and Stars," he whispered, after they came up for air. It would cost him half a week's pay... but Evan deserved the best.

"Severus," Evan said softly, "you can't afford it."

"I'm eating at your house the rest of the week. Remember?" Severus said. "I want to do something special. Let's go."

Evan sighed and nodded. He suddenly knew what he wanted to give Severus for Christmas, and he also knew that it was impossible. He slunk along beside Severus, miserable that he couldn't hold his hand as any other couple might.

Severus mistook his friend's hunched walk for an effect of the cold. He quickened his pace, smiling to himself at the sheer pleasure of having Evan next to him, knowing that they'd be going home together that night. He wished that they could put their arms around each other... but Evan was probably wiser to insist on discretion. Still smiling, he sighed.

Evan looked up at him, yanking himself from his dark reverie. "You keep at that, someone might see, and you'll lose your reputation for being the most foul-tempered, surly student Hogwarts has turned out this century," Evan said, the corners of his eyes crinkling into a smile that didn't touch his lips.

"And whose fault will it be?" Severus said back. "Yours. All yours." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "Always."


	12. Meet Me In The Dark

It was nearly midnight on Christmas when there was a knock on Severus' door. He hadn't heard anything from Evan all day, or all that weekend.

Severus got up, his heart racing. Maybe Evan hadn't forgotten. He glanced at the silver-wrapped package that waited on the mantel, and opened the door.

Evan was standing outside, looking at once ashamed, enraged, and like he was likely to burst into tears. "Can I come in?" he asked.

"You don't have to ask," Severus said, and held out his arms.

Evan slid into them, kicking the door shut behind him. "I'm so sorry," he murmured, nuzzling Severus' neck. "I'm so, so sorry. I tried to get away, but..." Evan sighed. "Happy Christmas, Severus."

"Happy Christmas, love," Severus answered quietly. "Come sit down."

Evan did as he was told, looking extremely grim, as if there was nothing happy about this Christmas at all. He glanced at the fireplace, and then quickly away, hanging his head.

Severus moved his hands inside Evan's cloak, caressing his shoulders briefly before he unfastened it. He hung it on the hat-tree that stood by the door, and guided Evan over to the armchair before the fire. He took the small, flat box from the mantelpiece, and sat down in the chair, pulling Evan onto his lap. "I got something for you," he said. "I hope you like it."

"You didn't have to get me anything," Evan said softly. His fingers traced over the silver wrapping, smudging its surface. Without thinking, he polished the smudges away with his sleeve, then very carefully unwrapped the package.

Severus watched Evan intently as he opened the package with the black-swan quill and the tiny obsidian penknife. "I know some spells won't work in the presence of metal," he said. "So I thought you might have a use for it."

Evan smiled at the gifts, stroking the feather gently. "They're lovely, thank you," he murmured. He turned his head and kissed Severus lightly. "I haven't got anything for you," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"You're here," Severus replied. "That's all I need."

Evan shook his head. "No, it's not. I wanted to do something wonderful for you, something to make you happy... and I ended up with nothing at all."

"Shh," Severus told him. "You don't have to do anything special to make me happy. You already make me happy." He kissed Evan on the forehead and stroked his hair.

"I was going to get your stupid bloody fireplace fixed, but the people I contacted about doing it only laughed at me, and told me they wouldn't touch this dump. If they tried to change anything, it's like to fall over, they said." Evan glared at the offending fireplace.

Severus hugged Evan tightly, absurdly touched. "I'm afraid they're right," he said. "That's the thing about chimneys for coal fires. The family that owned this place must have let the spell lapse on the brick, so the smoke was able to eat it half away -- and when the landlords bought it, it was cheaper for them to put in the wires rather than restore the flues. It's all right," he said.

"No, it's not!" Evan snapped. "You can barely manage to cook the simplest things. When it rains, the bloody thing barely works, and you're left freezing! And it's ugly!"

"I can live with ugly," Severus answered. "I have to, if I don't want to live with my mother. This is what I can afford, Evan. If we both lived at home -- we wouldn't have anywhere to go, would we?"

"I would get you a better place," Evan said. "I would. But I could hardly afford anything better... I can't stand to see you living like this."

"Maybe..." Severus hesitated. He had never dared to suggest it before... "If we shared a place... the two of us could afford something better? If you wanted to?"

Evan slumped against Severus and shook his head. "I'd love to, but I can't. We can't."

Despite the refusal, Severus' heart soared. _I'd love to_ , Evan had said. _Can't_ would have to be overcome. "We can," Severus said. "We should."

Evan pressed a kiss to the side of Severus' neck. "No, we can't. My parents would never allow it. They would never allow me out of the house again if I suggested it."

"You're of age," Severus argued. "Why not just pack your things and go?"

"They would disown me, Severus."

"Does that matter? We can survive on our own."

"Yes, it matters!" Evan looked at him incredulously. "It's my _birthright_ , and I'm not about to give it up!"

"It's just _things_ ," Severus insisted. "Is that what's important to you?"

"It's not 'just things.' It's a house. My house. My house, with my room, my books, my memories, my blood, my name on it, if I just toe the line until my parents shuffle off this mortal coil. And then it can be _our_ house, _our_ room, _our_ books, _our_ memories, _our_ blood. It's not 'just things,' Severus. It's our future." Evan turned to look at him, his eyes wide and earnest. "I'm not just doing this for me. It's for you, too. For _us_."

Severus' irritation dissolved in a warm glow. "For us, then," he said quietly. "I love you, Evan."

Evan wrapped his arms around Severus and hugged him tightly. "I love you," he murmured back. "I'll get you a late Christmas present... I found an absolutely lovely waistcoat I wanted to get you. I guess that'll have to do."

"You're here," Severus said. "That'll do."

"No it won't!" Evan replied petulantly. "You have to have something to unwrap, and don't you dare go reaching for my buttons!" He laughed despite himself.

"Why ever not?" Severus replied. He grinned as he slipped his hands under Evan's pullover to reach the forbidden buttons.

"Because I do not count as something to unwrap!" Evan kissed him gently. "I brought you Christmas dinner, by the way."

"Let's eat it later," Severus suggested. He kissed Evan on the neck. " _Much_ later."

"You'll ruin your appetite," Evan said in a mock-scolding voice.

"Never."

"Good thing I've got a warming charm on it, then," Evan said.

"Yes, I think so," Severus replied, pulling Evan down for another kiss.

"Happy Christmas indeed," Evan murmured against Severus' lips, and then let himself melt into the kiss.


	13. Unforgiveable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see the title chapter? just what it says on the tin.

Isabella DuMond had married beneath herself, and no one ever forgot it – least of all Isabella. It wasn’t that Marcus Rosier was a bad man; he wasn't. He was only a foolish man, who did not see that his only generations-old fortune left him clinging to the lowest rung of pureblood society's ladder. He never noticed when others laughed at him. He thought they were laughing with him. Isabella, on the other hand, knew the difference.

She sipped her tea, looking over the rim of her cup at her son, the heir to the Rosier estate, and sighed. He had always been a queer child, and a difficult one. He'd been born early, and had been extremely fussy. He had driven nurse after nurse away with his constant crying. Even when he'd grown out of that, Evan had never been easy. Quiet and withdrawn, Isabella quickly despaired that her son would redeem the Rosier family name. What Marcus lacked in aptitude he made up for with enthusiasm. Evan had the aptitude to bring the family up, but showed absolutely no inclination to do so. Isabella had, at first, taken it for childish rebellion, but as he got older, nothing changed. The only hope now, Isabella reckoned, was for Evan to make a good marriage to a woman who would make the society rounds, and be charming enough to make up for her husband's reticence. The only trouble was, Evan was now two years out of Hogwarts, and still showed no interest in marriage. It was possible he was only a late bloomer, but in these uncertain times, Isabella hoped to at least find her son a few prospects. There were girls out there who didn't seem put off by Evan's indifference, and that gave Isabella hope. All she had to do was get Evan away from his only and constant companion, Severus Snape.

"I met an absolutely lovely girl at tea yesterday," Isabella said.

Evan blinked, startled, and turned his attention back to his mother.

"A girl from your year at Hogwarts, a Ravenclaw. Very bright, very pretty. She asked about you."

Evan grunted and sipped his tea.

"Really, Evan," Isabella scolded. "Manners."

"What would you like me to say?" Evan asked.

"You might ask for her name," Isabella suggested.

"What was the girl's name?" Evan parroted back.

Isabella rolled her eyes and suppressed a sigh. "Her name was Loreli Glass," she said cheerfully, as if the last few exchanges had not occurred.

Evan didn't even try to cover his snort of derision. "Loreli Glass? A lovely girl?"

"We had a fascinating chat about Ancient Runes," Isabella continued. "She said that she had always admired your work—"

"But disagreed with all of my theoretical propositions," Evan interrupted. "I've heard it all before, a hundred times or more. She hasn't got the foggiest notion what she's talking about. She wouldn't know Ansuz from Fehu. Honestly."

"We're not discussing academic endeavors, Evan," Isabella replied curtly. "We're discussing Loreli Glass."

"You're the one who brought Ancient Runes into the conversation, Mother," Evan reminded her, his tone smug and taunting.

"It caught your attention, didn't it? Now listen to me, Evan. You could do far worse than Loreli Glass."

"Far worse for what? A debate partner? I could do worse, certainly, but I could also do far better!"

"A debate partner?" Isabella glared at her son. "Why do you refuse to understand me?"

"I'm not refusing, Mother. I honestly have no idea what you're on about."

Isabella set down her teacup and shook her head in exasperation. "I'm talking about marriage, Evan. You will, sooner or later, have to settle down and produce an heir."

"I don't have to do anything. I could live my life a bachelor, consumed by my academic pursuits, and never know the difference."

 _If you're not careful, that's exactly what you'll do_ , she thought, pursing her lips, _and you'll be certain to regret it at some point. Why won't you see reason, you foolish boy?_ "Who will care for you? Who will make sure that you eat when your books and scribblings consume you?"

"The house elves," Evan said with a shrug.

"And who will you leave the estate to, if you have no heir?"

Evan shrugged again. "I simply shall not die. It will take me several lifetimes to get through all of the books I'd like to read anyway."

"You're being ridiculous," Isabella said. "If not Loreli Glass, then, someone else? Did anyone catch your fancy back at Hogwarts?"

There was a long silence. Finally, very quietly, Evan said, "Yes."

Isabella's eyebrows shot up. "Really? Who then?" She tried to keep her tone calm, interested by not demanding.

"I can't say," Evan said.

"Can't say? For goodness sake, Evan! You are positively the most infuriating child! You cannot say that someone has caught your fancy, then refuse to tell me who it is."

"I just did." Evan pushed his teacup away. "Good day, Mother."

"Sit down, Evan," Isabella said quietly.

Evan took a step towards the door, and Isabella stood up. "Sit down, Evan." It was not a request. Evan sat. "Now tell me who it is."

"You won't like it, Mum," Evan said quietly. "You won't approve."

"Mother, Evan. Not Mum. Tell me."

"I can't, Mother."

"You can, Evan, and you will. I know that it seems as if society marriages are rarely based on love," _Lord knows mine wasn't_ , "but if you truly feel that strongly about this girl, perhaps we can find a way." Honeyed words to lure the fly into the trap, to hopelessly ensnare and digest at will.

"It's not a girl," Evan mumbled.

"Pardon?"

"It's not a girl," Evan said more clearly, challenging her.

"Not a girl?" Isabella shook her head. "Don't play games with me, Evan. I'm not in the mood."

"I'm not playing games. I'm telling you. It's not a girl has caught my fancy."

"What, then, is it?"

"A boy."

Isabella pinched the bridge of her nose as if she'd suddenly gotten a headache. "Oh Evan..." she sighed. "Never mind that. It'll pass. In the meantime, we must find a girl willing to wait for you. Unless, of course, you'd rather wait and marry some younger girl who will very likely feel nothing at all for you?" _Who will, in fact, despise you, and everything about you, as I despise your father?_

"I don't want any girl at all. I shan't enter into a loveless marriage and suffer as you've made Father suffer."

 _I've made him suffer? If only you knew, you ungrateful wretch. If only you had the faintest idea of how much I've suffered from that man. You don't know what it's like to be married off to a man nearly twenty years your senior, practically sold to the highest bidder._ "Watch yourself, Evan," Isabella said warningly. "You're treading on very thin ice."

"I'll not live my life miserable and without love, and I shan't force some girl to do it, either! I shall never love another, and so I shan't marry!"

"You think you love this boy?" Isabella's mouth quirked into a tiny smile. "It's only lust, Evan. It _will_ pass, and when it does, you'll regret being so rash. It's not as if he'll ever love you back, anyway."

"He does! He loves me!" Evan shouted.

"Does he? And who is this boy who loves you?" Isabella sneered. "Who is this boy who is so true and devoted that you would throw away your future for him?"

"The only one who has ever cared at all for me!" Evan snapped, standing up and glaring down at her. "The only one who has comforted me when I was hurt or frightened, and congratulated my accomplishments, and encouraged my passions!"

"His name, Evan!"

"Who do you think, Mother? I only have one friend; do you think my love is any other?"

Isabella laughed, a sudden, short bark of sound. "No, Evan. I think not. I would have said that it wouldn't matter who you bedded down with, so long as you did your duty to the family name, but this changes everything. Severus Snape isn't even fit to be your mistress."

Evan pulled his wand. "You will _not_ speak of him like that!"

"Put that away, Evan," Isabella snapped. "I will speak of him any way I like. He's no better than he should be, with only his mother's name to him -- and Sophia Snape was a disgrace! Her family disowned her when she ran off! She ended up spending time in Azkaban! I wouldn't be surprised if that's where he's headed, and he _will not_ drag your name down with his."

Evan's eyes burned. Still clutching his wand, he headed for the door again.

Isabella stood up and pulled her own wand, locking the door with a flick and a murmured word. "We aren't finished, Evan" she said, closing in on him. "You will not simply walk away in the middle of this. I told you that I was not in the mood for games. If you think for one minute that I'm going to let you run to your gutter-born lover and tell him how much your mother has wronged you, you've got another thought coming."

Evan dismissed the locking charm. "Watch me." He reached for the doorknob.

Isabella grabbed his wrist, yanking it away. Without a thought, Evan raised his other hand and slapped her hard across the face. She gaped at him for only a second, then raised her wand and said one word.

Evan fell, screaming.


	14. I'll Cover You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hurt/comfort chapter. You knew there had to be one, right?

It was a long time before Evan managed to pull himself up off of the floor, and even longer before he gathered the energy to Disapparate. He appeared in an alley near Severus' building, and leaned heavily against the brick wall, swallowing the bile that rose in his throat. He kept one hand against the wall as he made his way to the door of the building, and then pulled himself step by slow, painful step, up the stairs. When he finally reached the door to Severus' apartment, he didn't so much knock as crash into the door.

Severus heard the thump, and went warily to the door, looking through the peephole.

The wide-angle lens in the door revealed an empty passage, except for a pair of feet that would have to belong to someone leaning against his door frame. Severus recognized them, of course, and muttered the charm that unlocked the deadbolt. "Evan?" he said , opening the door.

Evan lifted his head, which had been hanging down, and looked at Severus through the curtain of his hair. He looked as if his head weighed several hundred pounds, and he wavered on his feet as he clung to the doorframe.

Severus got an arm around him, holding him up, and brought him into the room. "What happened?" he asked, shutting the door behind them.

Evan only shook his head and clung to Severus.

Severus, now distinctly worried, steered them both towards his bed. He pulled Evan to sit down with him, and coaxed him to put his feet up and lean back against the pillows. He kept an arm under Evan's neck, and, with his other hand, smoothed the hair away from Evan's face. Cautiously, he kissed him, then drew back, looking at him with concern.

Evan gave him a very weak, shaky smile. "Thank you," he said, his voice hoarse from screaming. "I'll... be all right in a moment." His eyes slid closed, and he let his head fall against Severus' shoulder.

Severus groaned. Something was very obviously wrong, but what? Evan wasn't bruised or bleeding, so it wasn't likely that he'd been beaten and robbed -- or just beaten, he added to himself, remembering their encounter with the unpleasant Muggles known as "skinheads." He wasn't drunk, either. Some sort of overdose? came the panicky thought. Evan wouldn't... would he? "Accio Restorus!" Severus said, and a bottle of his favorite hangover cure potion leapt to his hand. It might not be the right thing, but it was unlikely to do any harm. He uncorked the bottle and tipped it against Evan's lips.

Evan sipped it, then turned his face away. "'S all right," he said. "Just need time."

Severus set the potion down on his nightstand. "When you're ready, Evan," he said. "I'm here." He kept his voice calm, even though he wanted to rant and scream at Evan, demanding explanations, rebuking him for the worry he was causing. _Just don't die before you tell me, Evan,_ he thought. _Please._

Evan lifted one hand and let it fall against Severus' chest, over his heart. He was still and quiet for quite some time, and the only thing that let Severus know that he was still alive was the soft touch of Evan's breath against his neck. Finally he stirred a little and began to toy with one of Severus' buttons. "Can I have some water?" he asked.

"Of course," Severus answered. He stroked the side of Evan's face, and slipped his arm out from under him. He went to the tiny refrigerator on his table, and got out a bottle of mineral water. Muttering a word that popped the cap off, he sat back down beside Evan and handed it to him.

Evan sipped at it as he leaned back against Severus. "I hate her," he said finally. "I hate her, Severus."

Her? His mother, then. What had happened? Severus said nothing, only making a soft noise of agreement in his throat as he ran his fingers through Evan's hair.

"She's trying to fix me up again," Evan said, nuzzling against Severus' hand.

"And?" Severus asked, trying to stay calm. There had to be more to it than that, but it was no use asking too forcefully. He'd seen Evan's stubborn silences before, and had no intention of provoking him into one. Certainly not when something was this wrong.

"And I told her," Evan said, his voice getting even softer. "About you. And me."

Dread gathered in a cold ball in Severus' stomach. He took a deep breath, willing himself not to panic. "And?" he asked again, more softly this time, his tone dropping to match Evan's.

"And now I know why the Cruciatus Curse is Unforgivable." Evan shivered and burrowed himself against Severus.

In the space of a breath, dread turned to blinding, searing fury. His arms tightened around Evan -- no. He forced them to relax into a more gentle embrace. Evan was in enough pain already. "She did that to you?" Severus asked, his voice a tight, controlled whisper.

"I didn't even know she knew it." Evan's lips brushed the skin of Severus' neck as he buried his face there, clinging to him.

"You can't go back there," Severus said. "Not after that."

Evan shook his head. "I'm not fighting with you tonight."

Severus bit his lip. "No," he said. "I didn't mean to start one. I just..." He took a deep breath. "I just want you to be safe. What if she did it again?"

"I won't let her," Evan said fiercely. "If she tries, I'll kill her."

"No," Severus vowed, his rage transmuting from fire to ice. "You won't have to, because I will."

Evan traced delicate fingers over Severus' face. "Hush, love," he murmured. "I'm not going to think about her anymore, and neither should you."

"All right," Severus answered quietly, even as the cold fury settled into his heart. "Not now." His arms tightened around Evan again.

Evan winced and inhaled sharply. "Easy," he whispered. "You'll snap me in half if you're not careful." He forced a smile.

Severus hadn't known that it was possible to feel so much rage and so much tenderness at the same time. He relaxed his arms again. "How bad is it?" he asked quietly.

"Take every pain you've ever felt, add them all together, and multiply it by a thousand," Evan replied. "It's subsiding now, slowly. It's no worse than if I'd been run over by the Hogwarts Express." Again, he forced a fragile smile, not wanting to worry Severus.

"I can do something about that," Severus offered. "But not here. Even if I had the ingredients, I can't brew anything complicated in a Kwik-Kettle. Do you think you can stand to Apparate again?"

Evan nodded, although he wasn't at all sure he was up to it. Even with Severus, the thought of showing too much weakness left him cold inside. "Where are we going?"

"My laboratory at work," Severus said. "It's after hours, but that's no trouble. And I have a key to the restricted ingredients cupboard."

"All right." Evan dug even deeper into his reserves to summon the energy to Apparate again, fearing what he would feel like when he reappeared on the other side.

 

When they reappeared outside Severus' place of work, Evan could barely hold his feet. He reached out, grasping for Severus' shoulder to support himself.

Severus put an arm around Evan's waist to steady him. "I'll carry you, if you need it," he offered.

Evan shook his head. "I can walk." And he could, leaning heavily against Severus as they went.

When they reached the employee canteen, Severus settled Evan onto one of the worn sofas, and grabbed an abandoned cloak off of a peg to tuck around him. "You're in shock," he cautioned. "You need to stay warm."

"I'm not in shock," Evan protested. "Let me stay with you..."

"And have you sitting on a high stool in the lab, because that's all there is, so you fall off it and crack your head open on a bench? Not bloody likely," Severus said. "You stay here. I won't be far," he added more gently. "You can watch me, right through that window."

Evan whimpered and pouted, but did as he was told, hugging the cloak around himself.

Severus went over to the vending machines that stood at one end of the room. He dropped several Knuts into the tea machine, and the shawl-clad figure inside woke from her doze. "Working late tonight, dearie?" she commented. "How do you take it?"

"Milky and sweet," Severus instructed her. The mannequin busied herself with the tea things, lifting the cozy to peer into the round brown pot, clucking to herself, and then emptying the dregs of the workday's last tea to start fresh. Severus went to the other machine while she puttered, exchanging a few more coins for a neatly wrapped Cauldron Cake.

Finally, the tea-gypsy poured milk from a small jug into a handled paper cup, filled it with tea, and added three lumps of sugar, and pushed it through a scrolled flap at the bottom of the case. "Don't forget, give us back the cup if you want your fortune read," she admonished.

"Thank you, no," Severus told her. "Go back to sleep, if you like."

"Ta, dearie," she replied, stifling a yawn. "I'll do that." She closed her eyes. Severus brought the tea and the pastry over to Evan.

Evan took the cup of tea and peered into it as if he had never seen anything like it before. Of course, he _hadn't_ seen anything like the vending machine before. He looked up at Severus. "She put the milk in first."

"You get used to it," Severus told him. "Don't tell me you're too fussy to drink it."

"No," Evan said, taking a sip. "It's just... strange."

"Welcome to the life of a humble potions researcher," Severus said. "I'd better get started now. You'll be all right?"

Evan nodded, still looking sulky.

Severus leaned down and kissed him. "I love you," he said.

"Love you too," Evan murmured. "Go, so you can come back." He leaned back and sipped his tea.

Severus went into the lab. Evan could see him, unlocking cupboards, gathering ingredients, pulling on dragon's-hide gloves to work. His face showed total concentration.

Evan drank his tea and ate his Cauldron Cake. When he had finished, he tried to keep still on the couch as Severus had told him to. His resolve only lasted a few minutes, though. He slid off of the couch, wrapped the cloak around his shoulders, and went over to the window that allowed him to see in the lab. He propped his head on his hand and watched his lover, his eyes following his every move like a puppy dog in a pet shop eyeing a potential buyer. This satisfied him for a little while, but as minutes ticked by with Severus too absorbed in his work to notice Evan, he grew antsy. He knocked on the glass, then pressed his hand to it. Severus glanced up from his work, and Evan smiled and waved.

Severus smiled back, but mouthed "Go sit down," gesturing at the couch.

Evan pouted, but went to sit down like a good boy.

Three quarters of an hour later, Severus stepped out of the lab, and sat down next to Evan. "It still needs to simmer," he said. "But there's no reason I can't wait out here with you."

"And kiss me?" Evan whispered, a tiny smile tugging at his lips.

"And kiss you," Severus echoed, suiting his action to the words.

Evan seemed to drink him in, to suck life from his lips to replenish his own drained stores. He broke the kiss when he ran out of air and curled himself into Severus' arms. "You won't get in trouble for this?"

"It's a small risk," Severus acknowledged. "Using the lab after hours is no trouble. Taking company ingredients for personal use isn't a problem, as long as I write the amounts on the log, and pay for them. The restricted supplies... well, this potion doesn't use much. And I think I'd rather not explain why I wanted them. It's a good chance that nobody will notice."

"Just don't get yourself in trouble on my account," Evan said.

"No, love," Severus said.

"You need a better job," Evan said, looking around.

"And where will I find one?" Severus asked. "How many of our classmates are still without? And I _don't_ mean the ones who don't need jobs, either."

"Yes, but they haven't got connections," Evan said.

"Which ones did you have in mind?" Severus asked.

Evan frowned. "I don't know. Never mind." He scowled and buried his face against Severus' shoulder. "I'm sorry I can't help you."

"This job suits me," Severus said. "For now, at any rate." He stroked Evan's hair, and raised his eyes to the lab clock. "We've got twenty minutes," he said. "Did you want to spend it on career planning?"

"Did you have a better idea?" Evan asked, his voice muffled against Severus' robes.

"Kissing you comes to mind," Severus murmured.

"Mmm?" Evan lifted his head to look up at Severus. "Is that such a good idea?" he asked, his eyes finally starting to lose the dull flatness they'd had when he'd arrived back at Severus' apartment as he smiled.

"I can be careful with you," Severus protested. "And I've got a timer set. The potion won't turn."

Evan rolled his eyes. "I was joking," he said softly. "Now kiss me."

Severus did, and kept on doing so until the trumpet fanfare and blink of lights that signaled the timer went off. "Back in five minutes," he promised.

Evan allowed Severus to slip away only because he knew that keeping him from the potion for even a minute might ruin it.

Severus tapped the bench with his wand, and the flames died back into their enclosing ring. With a mother-of-pearl ladle, he poured the potion into a glass vial, and carefully added several drops of a pale liquid to it, producing a tiny wisp of red vapor. He stoppered the vial, and set it on the bench as he tidied his equipment away. In five minutes, he was sitting beside Evan once more.

"All done?" he asked.

"Five drops," Severus answered, holding the bottle out to him. "And twelve hours between doses. No more than that. I trust you to be careful with it. You need a potent pain killer, and there's enough in this vial to kill two or three adults, if they took it all at once."

"I'm fine," Evan protested. "Honestly."

"No, you're not," Severus insisted. "If you don't take this, you're not going to be able to move without pain for days. If you *do* take it, you probably won't need more than two doses before you're better. There's enough mandrake in it for that. It's the rest of the formula that poses the danger. I hope you understand me."

"I won't take too much," Evan said. "Don’t worry. You can watch me take it, if you want."

"The sooner you take it, the better," Severus agreed. "Then you can keep it on hand... I can think of a use for it," he finished darkly.

Evan gave Severus a quizzical look as he dutifully took five drops of the potion. Less than a minute later, all of the residual pain seemed to subside. As a wave of calm and well-being swept through him, it felt as if the entire world had dulled, become softer, as if covered in fuzz. The only odd thing was that his tongue felt somewhat numb. Evan curled himself against Severus. "Can we go home now?" he asked.

"Yes, love," Severus answered. "When we get outside, hold on to me and I'll Apparate for both of us. I don't want you to splinch yourself in this state."

"Mmmkay," Evan said, giving up on trying to fight away the fuzzy feeling in his head as Severus held him close and took them home.


	15. Poison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which we are reminded that, as romantic as these boys are, they are still Slytherins, and not at all nice.

When Evan woke up the next morning, daylight was filtering through Severus' grimy window, and he was safe in his lover's embrace. Severus was still asleep, his features for once relaxed and peaceful. Evan reached up to trace the tips of his fingers over the side of Severus' face, and he was somewhat surprised to find that moving didn't hurt. In fact, he really didn't hurt at all. His hand rested lightly against Severus' neck as he kissed him softly.

Severus opened his eyes, and tightened his arms around Evan. "Morning," he said, his lips curving into a gentle smile.

"Morning," Evan murmured back, snuggling closer to Severus.

"Any better?" Severus asked, dropping a kiss on Evan's temple.

"Much. I feel wonderful." Evan nuzzled against Severus' ear.

"Yes, you do," Severus agreed. "Mmm."

Evan laughed softly and wound his arms around his lover's chest, and slid one leg over Severus'. "So do you."

Severus' only reply was a long kiss, which Evan returned, his fingers tightening against Severus' back, pulling him closer, even though their chests were pressed together, and getting closer was almost an impossibility.

Wordlessly, they moved into the familiar sweetness of each other's embrace, hands and lips and entangled bodies more eloquent than voices.

Later, Evan lay with his head on Severus' shoulder and his hand over his lover's heart, hearing and feeling it as it slowed down and returned to its normal rhythm. He turned his head to press a kiss to Severus' sweaty skin. "Love you," he murmured.

"Love you too," Severus answered, kissing Evan's hair. "I reckon that answers whether the potion worked," he added.

"Mmm," Evan agreed. "Good as new."

"Stay with me," Severus said. "Don't go back and let her do that again." His voice was calm, offering rather than pleading, but his body tensed, already expecting argument.

"I can't," Evan said, sounding pained. "I'm sorry, Severus, but I can't. But she won't ever do that to me again. I won't let her," he said fiercely.

"How will you stop her?" Severus said bitterly.

Evan pushed himself up on his elbow to glare down at Severus. "I'll get her first, if that's what it comes to."

"Do you mean that?" Severus asked. "I mean, _really_ mean it?"

"Yes!" Evan said, frustration flickering across his features. "Do you think I _liked_ it? She wouldn't have managed it at all, except I completely didn't expect it. Now I know what she's capable of. I'll not be the same fool twice."

"Do you remember what I told you last night, about the painkiller?"

"Five drops, every twelve hours. More than that will kill me," Evan said, lying back down. "I'm not an idiot, Severus. I'm not going to kill myself."

"I didn't think you would," Severus answered. "That's not what I'm suggesting."

"What then?" Evan asked, annoyed that the perfect bliss of lying beside Severus had been ruined. He drew the blankets more tightly around himself as his usual chill set in.

"Doesn't your mother take sleeping draughts?"

"Yeah..."

Severus' face was as unforgiving as stone. "Ten drops," he said. "That's all."

"Oh, that's brilliant," Evan snapped. "Kill my mother. Bloody brilliant." He rolled over so that his back was to Severus. "Do you want me to sign my own death warrant as well?"

"Going back there is inviting her to sign your death warrant!" Severus exploded. "Merlin's bloody bones, what makes you so sure you can block her if she tries it again?"

"What makes you so sure I can't?!"

"I. Don't. Want. To _risk_ it," Severus ground out. He took a deep breath. "Look. Maybe I'm wrong. But I'm worried about you! Can't you see that?"

"I'm not a child!" Evan snapped. "You don't have to protect me!" He sat up and reached for his robes, muttering, "I shouldn't have come at all. I should have recovered on my own. Then you wouldn't think me some weak, pathetic thing."

"I don't think you're pathetic," Severus said quietly. "I think I would die without you. I'm protecting myself more than you."

"Like hell," Evan replied as he dressed. "I'm going home."

"All right," Severus answered, in the same quiet tone as before. "Just take the potion with you."

Evan snatched the vial from where it sat on Severus' night table and shoved it into his pocket. He stomped to the door, and only then hesitated. "I'll see you," he said, and then slammed it behind him.

Severus looked at the door for a long time after Evan left. He wanted coffee, but there seemed no point in getting out of bed. On the other hand, he wasn't going to be getting back to sleep, either. He reached down and pulled his book from the floor beside the bed, opened it, and began to read.

 

Evan reappeared late that night. The lock clicked open, and he entered, looking paler than usual. "It's done," he said quietly. "Are you happy?"

Severus looked up from where he sat in the armchair; he had finally gotten out of bed when he remembered that he had nothing beyond a packet of biscuits in his room to eat. An empty takeaway bag sat on the floor by his feet. "Done?" he asked. "You mean... you did kill her?"

"You can stop worrying." Evan's voice was flat, expressionless. "She is no longer a threat, because she is no longer. Are you happy?" he repeated.

Severus stood up, and closed the distance between them, placing his hands on Evan's shoulders. "I'm happy you're safe," he said.

Evan looked at him for a long moment, then said, "You've had fish and chips again, haven't you?"

"Very observant," Severus said. "Yes. I did."

"You'll sprout gills, you will, keeping on like that," Evan said, shaking his head and giving Severus an exasperated smile. "I love you," he added more softly, uncertain as to how welcome the words would be after his tantrum that morning.

Severus wrapped his arms fiercely around Evan. "I love you too," he said.

"Can I stay with you tonight? I want one night of peace... because tomorrow, all hell is going to break loose."

"Any time you like, for as long as you like. For as long as we live," Severus whispered, giddy with relief that Evan hadn't stayed away.


	16. Confrontation

The door creaked as Evan pushed it open and slipped inside. The sound seemed unnaturally loud in the early morning stillness of the house. He turned to shut the door behind him, easing it shut so it wouldn't make a sound, relief flooding through him. He had gotten away with it. The relief was snatched away when he turned around to find his father's face looming before him, his expression enough to keep Evan silent.

He put a hand on Evan's back, which Evan immediately twitched away from. With the threat of touch, Marcus herded Evan into the parlor.

"Sit," he commanded. Evan sat. "Explain yourself."

Evan blinked and looked up at his father. _Are you a man or aren't you? Play dumb. You have no reason to be afraid._ "That's a rather tall order," he said blandly. "Shall we have a cup of tea while I—"

"Stow it, Evan!" Marcus snapped.

Evan's stomach lurched. This wasn't going as he had planned.

 _He doesn't know anything. He couldn't. Stay calm._

"Is something wrong, Father?"

"Yes, something is bloody well wrong, you nasty little git! Your mother is bloody well dead!"

 _And well she should be._ "What?" Evan feigned shock, hardly bothering to make the act convincing. His father was in such a rage, he seriously doubted that he would notice. "When? How?"

Marcus seemed to deflate a bit. "Last night. Overdose of sleeping draught, I suppose. You would have known sooner, but you weren't here."

 _Little you know._ "I'm sorry, Father." _You miserable idiot._

"Where were you?" Marcus demanded. Before Evan could even open his mouth, he shook his head. "Don’t tell me. You were with Snape again, weren't you?"

Evan shrugged and made a noncommittal noise.

"You know, if you hadn't spent all of your time with that scum, and gotten yourself some proper friends, and perhaps a girlfriend, your mother might have slept better. Perhaps then she wouldn't have been taking sleeping draughts, and would still be alive right now."

 _Scum? SCUM? How dare you?_

"And perhaps if you hadn't been such a disgusting, good-for-nothing louse of a husband, always trying to force yourself on her, she wouldn’t have felt the need to drug herself so she could sleep through it," Evan spat, hardly thinking, not caring. No one called Severus scum and got away with it.

"You watch your tongue, boy."

Ignoring the warning in his father's tone, Evan only smiled. "Tell me, Father. How far had you gotten before you realized she wasn't breathing?"

Evan saw his father pull his hand back. Then there was only darkness, and the next thing he knew, he was locked in his room with a towering headache.


	17. Nobody's Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Death Eater violence, including sexual.

_Cowards_ , Evan thought. _We are cowards. They're Muggles. They're already at a disadvantage. Now we've got them tied up, frozen, with bonds they can't see, so that they can't fight us, can't resist, and gagged so they can't scream. We're cowards, and monsters_.

Evan watched in horror as Crabbe and Goyle fell upon the two Muggle women like gluttonous children in a candy store. The man of the house was frozen in the corner of the room, his eyes spelled so that he couldn't shut them to avoid seeing what was happening.

For once he was more than glad of the mask on his face that hid how pale he had gone. This was sick, and worse than that, this was beneath them. Were they wizards, or were they common street criminals?

Unable to bear the grunts and panting that filled the room, Evan shut down the scope of his world to the girl in front of him, his own age or younger, himself, and Malfoy behind him. The girl, staring at him with wild, frightened eyes, tears streaking down her cheeks... He closed his eyes, and turned away, opening them again as he faced Malfoy. "No," he said softly.

"No?" Malfoy's mocking drawl drew three or four syllables from the simple word. "Did you just say 'no,' Rosier?"

"I won't do it," Evan said.

"Why ever not?"

"It's beneath me," Evan sneered.

"Well, yes, that is rather the point," Malfoy said. "To have her beneath you, I mean. What's the matter, Rosier? Not to your tastes?" He flicked his wand, and the girl spun in the air, landing face down on the bed. "Perhaps you'd prefer her that way? I expect she's never had it in her arse." He smiled lazily. "Go on."

"No," Evan said again. "I won't do it."

Malfoy stepped closer to Evan. "This is getting tiresome, Rosier," he said, his voice taking on a menacing edge. "I wouldn't want to have to report that you refused an order."

"You do it, if you're so keen on it," Evan replied, holding his ground.

"Those aren't _my_ orders," Malfoy hissed, grasping Evan's shoulders. "Do you know what will happen to you, if you disobey?"

"I'll risk it," Evan snarled, trying to pull away.

Malfoy's face contorted into a snarl as he lifted Evan several inches off the floor. "Let me ask you something," he said, spinning on his heel and pressing Evan up against the wall of the corridor. "Would you prefer giving it to her... or getting the same treatment... from me?"

Evan swallowed hard. _He wouldn't. He couldn't. Attacking a fellow Death Eater... there was no way._ "I would prefer to be put down," he said, but his voice was weak, and close to cracking.

Malfoy pushed Evan roughly away from him, sending him sprawling to the floor. "Get out," he spat. "I won't forget this. And neither will the Dark Lord." He strode through the bedroom doorway, shouting, "Crabbe! Goyle! That's enough," he barked. "Stun them and we'll be on our way."

Evan picked himself up and headed for the door. Once outside, he pulled his wand. It was only the knowledge that his life would be forfeit if he did anything to harm Malfoy that stilled his hand until the others had emerged.

Malfoy didn't even spare him a glance, just Disapparated the moment he stepped from the house. Crabbe and Goyle followed his example.

Evan pointed his wand at the house. " _Incendio_ ," he said calmly, and then, " _Morsmordre_." A giant, glowing green skull appeared over the burning house.

He Disapparated, reappearing in the alley beside Severus' building... and was violently sick before going to the door.

 

Evan let himself into Severus' room. He had told Severus that he wasn't going to be back that night, but the prospect of going home and being alone wasn't one that he could deal with right now. He slipped off his shoes and his robes and slid into bed beside Severus still clothed, pulling the blankets over himself and trying to still his trembling so he wouldn't wake up his lover.

It didn't work. Severus rolled over, half-opened his eyes, and muttered, "Ev'n?"

"Shh," Evan whispered. "It's all right. Go back to sleep." He snuggled himself closer into Severus' arms.

"Still go'cher clothes on," Severus mumbled. "Wha's'on?"

"I'm just cold," Evan lied. "Shh, love." He reached to stroke Severus' hair gently, hoping to soothe him back into sleep. He didn't want to talk about what had happened. He didn't even want to think about it. If he did, he was likely to get sick.

"Get warm faster without them," Severus insisted, starting to come further awake. "Undress. Then sleep."

"All right." Evan slid back out of bed and quickly stripped down to his pants and slid back under the covers. "Now sleep," he murmured, kissing Severus lightly. "Sleep."

Severus curled himself tightly into a spoon around Evan, and drifted off.

Evan commenced trembling, his eyes wide open, knowing that if he allowed himself to sleep, his dreams would not be pleasant. It was better not to sleep.

Severus' breathing was steady and slow for a time. Then he stirred. "Evan?" he murmured, still wrapped tight around his lover. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Evan replied, his voice tight. "Nothing's wrong, Severus."

"Bollocks."

"Go back to sleep, Severus." Evan's voice was climbing the register. He was starting to panic, and he couldn't hide from Severus the full-body shivers that ran through him.

"With you like this? Not likely," Severus said. He forced himself to breathe slowly, and ran his fingers through Evan's hair. "Shhh. You're safe here."

Evan shook his head. _We're not safe. No one is safe._

Severus untangled himself just long enough to turn Evan towards him, so that they could be face-to-face. Snuggling close again, he stroked Evan's back. "Tell me."

Evan shook his head again.

"What do you want me to do?" Severus asked. "And don't say 'sleep,' because I can't until you stop shaking."

"I'm sorry," Evan said. "I shouldn't've come."

"Don't be stupid," Severus told him. "Just tell me what I can do."

"Nothing," Evan spat finally. "There's nothing you can do!"

Severus propped himself up on an elbow. He laid one hand on the side of Evan's face. "Fine," he said calmly. "I'm bloody useless. But I love you. Will you tell me about it anyway?"

Evan pulled away. "You're not useless!" His voice was too loud, and he winced as it struck the walls and came back at him. "You're not useless, you're wonderful, but I can't... I can't..." He buried his face against Severus' chest and clung to him.

Severus held Evan close, and stroked his hair again. He said nothing.

Evan cowered, fighting back tears that he refused to let spill, even from the relative safety of his lover's arms.

Severus kissed the top of his head. "Please tell me," Severus whispered.

"I can't," Evan repeated. "I can't, Severus, I'm sorry."

"Why not?"

"It's... it's..." Evan shook his head, for once at a complete loss for words.

"What?"

"I..." Evan swallowed and burrowed closer to Severus. "I wasn't meant to... to do things... to... I can deal with... with messages... with codes, puzzles, riddles, but... but I was never meant to... I didn't want to... I... Why? Why me, of all people?" The tears finally spilled, hot against Severus' skin.

Severus held him, and kissed him, and let him cry. "I don't know. Why what?"

"My assignment," Evan finally admitted. "Where I was tonight."

"Oh," Severus whispered. "I'm still listening."

But Evan wasn't talking. Evan was crying, and shivering, and clinging to Severus for all he was worth.

Severus worked one arm free. " _Accio_ brandy," he said conversationally. He uncapped the small bottle. "Evan," he said, "drink this."

Evan did as he was told, sipping from the bottle.

Severus took it away and set it on the nightstand. "Now tell me what happened," he repeated.

Evan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I was sent out with... with Crabbe, Goyle, and Malfoy. To... to torture Muggles."

"And?"

"And... there were... Malfoy tied up the man, and... there were women... the wife, I guess... and... and m-maybe her sister? And a girl... teenage girl... and... and they... they... He tried to make me... but I wouldn't, Severus! I wouldn't!" Evan started to sob again, hiding his face with his hands.

"Those _idiots_ ," Severus hissed.

"I didn't do it. Wouldn't. And Malfoy... he _laughed_ at me."

"He _would_ ," Severus said bitterly.

"I don't care if she was only a Muggle... she was also only a girl."

"That wouldn't matter to Malfoy," Severus said. "Did it take you this long to figure that out?"

Evan looked suddenly at Severus, and, after a moment, shook his head.

"Did you know, beforehand, what you were expected to do tonight?" Severus asked, keeping his tone mildly curious, without accusation.

Evan shook his head.

"He already knows I won't play those games," Severus said thoughtfully. "And that I think it's stupid. Even if I _did_ enjoy it the way that Crabbe and Goyle do... we're supposed to be making them fear powerful magic, not the sort of violence that any Muggle could accomplish. It's not just distasteful. It's self-indulgent. And yet Malfoy encourages them."

"Malfoy likes to watch people suffer," Evan said. "I saw the look on his face as he watched Crabbe and Goyle... He loved every minute of it." He shivered.

"I know," Severus said, very softly.

"He preys on those who are smaller... weaker, in his eyes... makes him feel powerful, to... get them on their knees..." Evan shook his head slightly, as if to clear it.

"I know," Severus repeated, even softer.

"Did you love him?" Evan asked.

"I thought I did," Severus whispered. "I thought he loved me. I learned."

"He has no heart with which to love. He was only playing games, and... and you suffered for it."

"Shh," Severus answered. "It doesn't matter now. Except... I wonder if he's playing games with you, now."

"If he is, I'm on my guard," Evan said. "I have you, so he'll have a hard time of it, attempting to lead me astray."

"Not that," Severus said. "I'm not sure what I meant. But... the way he laughed at you. I don't like it."

"Malfoys have been laughing at Rosiers for generations," Evan replied. "It's nothing."

"We can't win, can we?" Severus sighed.

"So long as there are people like Malfoy in power, no... we can't win," Evan said softly.

"It doesn't matter. You're here. You're safe. I love you. Do you think you can sleep, now?"

Evan doubted that he could, but he nodded.

Severus curled into a spoon around him once more. "I love you," he whispered, as if the words could keep danger away. "Sleep."

"I love you," Evan whispered back, and closed his eyes, but sleep would not come.

Severus remained curled around him, holding him close even as his body relaxed and his breathing slowed. His faint snores let Evan know that Severus, at least, was asleep.

"I think we may have made a mistake," Evan whispered to his sleeping lover, and then was still and quiet. The sun was rising before sleep dragged him down.


End file.
